DEAR GOD,...

God Almighty
C/o Jesus Christ
Heaven
Above.

Dear God,

RE: MATTERS ARISING

MINGWE... In capital letters. Ikira for you... Heeyyyy... heyyyy.. Heeyyyy... Hey!!!!

It's me your son, Atuyonta Alleluya Akporobomemerere, I also go by the name Ali Baba. That's my guy name. I have had some matters that have been pressing hard on my heart. So I thought to let you know.

I hope this letter meets you in perfect condition. If so, doxology. I know you are ok, just checking noni. How is everyone in heaven? Jesus, Holy Spirit, Holy Mary, Angel Gabriel, Saints Peter, Paul and Micheal, ehen Ajayi Crowther nko? Shay dada ni everybodi? A dupe.


First of all, God, I take God beg you... Do something about Nigeria naaaa. Shuo! Don't leave us in the hands of this politicians o! Some of them are soooo... See me telling you. You know na. They have finished us in this country o! The good people SEF are not many again. Just when we have one good person that gives us hope ad we think you will just take him. We offend you ni? God ABEG na... Forgive and forget. You kukuma know us. Just tamper justice with mercy. Ok if you want to take anybody, because of our sins, why don't you just take from those who we chose to represent us at the National Assembly. How you see am? It's not like I am reminding you o! Before you now tell them to write it down in the book of life. I am just making small talk with you oooo

Anyway,God, between you and I, who killed Dele Giwa? Tell me. Because I know you know. Ok let me make it easy for you. Who sent people to kill him? What of Bola Ige? Funsho Williams? Chineke, lemme tell you something don't you think enough is enough? Ok look now, BOKO Haram is killing people anyhow and making life unliveable in the north. Yet they claim it's you that they are fighting for. The senseless killing in your name has gotten out of hand. What can I say. Today, 30 people died. Tomorrow it would be 60 in another place. 'Next tomorrow' now it will be 43 people. And all we hear is 'we condemn this' and 'we are saddened by this shocking development and atrocities'... God ABEG naaa.

On a non related matter, God how do you monitor the tithe that we pay in church? I know it doesn't get to you. But the amount sometimes can be tempting for the pastor and the people who work in church and help in collecting the offering.

On a lighter note, Abasi, mbog, what football club do you support? It's important I know now, before the season starts so that when we, ARSENAL FC, play against your team we know who to pray to. I know you can influence the match. But if there is anything we can do to help you as our guy, it's to go easy on your club... Before you call it blasphemy. Because the beating we will be dishing out this season will be painful on all levels. Whether the devil is red, blue, orange green or colour bar... Them go hear wen!

Talking of sports, God please protect all the athletes going for the London Games. With all these many flights going into London. Help us win one or two gold medals. That's all we ask. Oh yes, God while at it, do something about Sepp Blatter or is bladder gon SEF. And also help our people to develop our grassroot sports. All those boys wasting their talents in pursuit of pipeline dough... Grant them a change of heart. Not amnesty.

God is it possible to remove lust from the sub-section of sin? Not because of anything, but you gave us eyes to see, and you may think I am trying to flatter you, but these girls are beautiful. Not for any bad reason o... Just admiring them. Can you? Or should I go through Jesus Christ? I have a feeling that some prayers we send to you through him... He will just look at the prayer and yimu. Because I strongly believe that if he brings some kind prayer request to you, you will ask him "what is that supposed to mean?" I am that I am, don't be offended o, why don't you just finish Devil ones and for all? If we're you that's what I will do. End of discussion!!!!

One more thing, God, and be honest, this is very important for all of us, your sons who like to have meat on our bones... Is it wrong to watch SERENA Williams playing tennis? I'm asking on be half of a lot of guys... And I am sure you already know that that oyinbo lady that presents a programme called Ellen on DStv also likes what we like. EHEN back to my question? Is it a sin? It's not ABI? Oho! I told them its not a sin and some were calling us perverts. God have you seen how the back of that... Ok sorry. I got carried away. But youse of know what you created naaaa. Sorry sir... where is Holy Mary when you need her? Our Father, did you know, some women actually like what we like? Was that part of your plan?... Oho! I thought so too. It's unfair.

Anyway, hope those over zealous angels didn't write that last mistake down o.

Ehen, as I was saying Kabio'osi, why dont you take them, those bad ones like you took that one that ate apple in the villa? Em... Em... Em.. What his name again ooooo... That one that wears dark glasses at night... Ennn oooo! Yes that one. I know he is not there with you. But one can not be too sure with that SON of yours that came to die for our sins. He fit don go forgive am now. Just like he did that thifithifi jankoriko that was crucified with him. What am I saying sef? You know him better that me sef. But if he did, overrule him o! Don't let him get away with this one. He can't be entering plea bargain with people as if he is EFCC. Please talk to him in your own way. Dont make it look like I suggested it o. See me telling you what to do. I am just pushing my luck sha... Shebi it's you that said ask and it shall be given unto the asker?

Before I come and go and forget, Osonobua, where is Fela? Because I know he did some things that may not have augured well with your laid down Christian principles, like when you said "Thou shall not weed"... Not that you said it hoha like that but our pastors said you said that that vegetable smoking thing is not good. So I want to ask again, where is he? Is he born again? What is the situation report from the other side? Or is he with you? You know we don't get gist from your side like that. Except we go to Camp and Your son Adeboye will just stop in the middle of telling us about you and say you told him something. So what is the Koko?

By the way, God do you know if you use all these your men of God to send message to us, some of the messages don't get to us like you sent it. I know you know what I am talking about, but then again, what can I say, you said she should not speak ill of your annoited and do them no harm... But Oritse, did you call some of this people we see around or did they call themselves? I am not doing them any harm now, just you and me, talk true, you call them? Because, some of them are beginning to look like they called themselves o. I will leave you to think about it. Some sef, are worse than... No need to even say it, shebi it's you, you already know where I am going even before I started writing this letter.

Can you imagine? I nearly forgot to ask about the flooding in Lagos State. Are you not taking the title a city of aquatic splendour a bit too far? Or is Pastor Enoch Adeboye or Pastor Kumuyi building an ark somewhere secretly? Is is possible to channel this water to those dry places in Sudan and Somalia? I hope I have not crossed my boundary? Ok scratch that. I was just asking based on the promise that you said you will not destroy the earth again using water. Because when these rains start, even the rainbow doesnt give the people affected any assurance o!

On a serious note, Allah, things rough die! The only thing that seems to be in season now is corruption. That's the only business booming. Even opportunity now send a text. And with the way the networks are thesedays, the opportunity will pass sef because the networks are upgrading, before the text will deliver. NEPA is doing their own on one side. God you sometimes make me feel like you are selective in the prayers you answer. Because if not, "all the whole" people who have looted monies meant for developing this country, would have all died! I know you are doing your best, but there are still many of them around.

See, Eledumare, let me tell you something, you can then use your mind, don't be sending Your son and his mother to handle the issues in Nigeria... Send the other guy, the one you said we should not sin against, EHEN oooo. Send him. Let him just come and handle these looting thieving and corrupt politicians once and for all. You know the guy I am talking about abi? Better know because I am not ready to call his name o. I heard he was the one going from house to house killing all the first borns in Egypt when they refused to let your people go.

El-Shaddai, I have a strange feeling that you and your Angels are always tuned to the Earth Channel of BIG BROTHER... Just watching all of us make a fool of ourselves. I bet that Angel Gabriel bends over laughing just watching the things you all already knew, unfold themselves to us. Bet you saw Chris OKOTIE's stuff coming... And you no talk? I suspect you. In fact, I suspect you and Jesus. God, you will notice I have always avoided the third part of the Trinity... Yes it's a wise thing to do. Ehennnnnnn. Did you guys see Goldie's eviction before the eviction? What am I asking SEF? Of course you guys saw it. How come you didn't inform TB Joshua to warn her? Wait o! God did you even recognise her? You know the hair can change a person. Like when Wayne Rooney tried to grow hair where you already said "NO HAIR! NO HAIR! NO HAIR!

Arugbo'ojo, wait o, it's not like I am teaching you your job o, but don't you think, you have let people get away with too many things? Not like my own things I get away with o! You know I have begged and you have said old things are passed away. I am talking of all those terrible sinners. Those kidnappers, armed robbers, rapists, Adam and Steve, bad belle people, murderers, pedophile, corrupt politicians, people who don't give me shows... All them wicked people... What are you waiting for naaa? God if I were you en! Their own don finish. Did you hear of someone who collected $620,000 to cover the truth? Is a lie that expensive thesedays? Did he even pay tithe out of the money?

By the way, God, thank you for everything you have done for me. House, career, beautiful wife, lovely children, my family and friends, creativity, safety in the air, bet you heard about how many people died over a month ago... Thank you for journey mercies. Thank you for life and for provision. Bless all you have used to bless me. Let their joy be full. Those looking onto for the fruit of the womb, father bless them with plenty children. I know you promised me all will be well. And I am banking on your promise. Thank you thank you thank you. You rock!!!! But don't forget the things I asked for in prayers always. Let them come to pass. I don't have to mention them again. Besides I think some people are eavesdropping on our conversation.

I have plenty questions to ask you but I know you are busy with Syria, Somalia, Sudan and Israel. But I will ask them anyway. Anyway you find time, just read them.

Jehovah, you are my all and all. And on you only I will for ever depend.