I wanna take a little time and review a song that brings love under scrutiny and gives anyone who wants to be sincere, some perspective on the phenomenon called love. Love as we now know it is a foreign import. The way love is practised in Africa has changed greatly. Thanks to the different influences that have "helped" to beat it out or into shape depending on what you define love to be. Even the Oyibos that we burrowed all the love nwantiti from, confess they equally are at a loss as to what love truly is.
Just so you don't bother yourself with trying to see my point, I will explain.
Did you know that some people in the Western world, have ended a marriage of 2 months or less because their partners snored? And they could not take it anymore. Doesn't that make you want to ask if they did not spend nights together before they got married? And even if they did not, isn't the marriage a reason to tolerate the midnight orchestra? And is a snore not too small a reason to pack it in? Do they know what Nigerians tolerate? Snore? Pulliiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzz!
I can just imagine the case coming up in a court. Let's say the Judge instructs the clerk to call the next case and it is the case of Adekoya vs Adekoya. The wife is seeking divorce on no other grounds but that the husband snores. If its Justice Vivor, I bet he will smile, lean back and ask the wife seeking that the marriage be set aside...
JUSTICE VIVOR: "Seriously? You are in my court to ask for your marriage to be dissolved because your husband snores?"
WIFE: "Yes my Lord."
JUSTICE VIVOR: "Are you ok?"
WIFE'S COUNSEL: "Me Lord, my client has suffered so many sleepless nights...?"
JUSTICE VIVOR: "This case has been thrown out for gross waste of time. Next matter!"
How on earth do some people come up with the crazy reasons we are hearing as cause for filling for divorce? Sometime back, a lady, who had been married for only 6 months, moved out of her matrimonial home because one of her husband's ex girlfriends called to ask how he was doing. He did not know she had moved to the UK(who knows, maybe to cool of and let the marriage thing blow over)so he picked the call, found out who it was and exchanged greetings. How is your wife? How is marriage? Work? Friends? Trying to be polite, he said he was fine and that he appreciated the call. And for him, it was an unexpected call since she was the semi finalist. Soon as he hung up, wifey asked who it was and he told her. She got up from his lap and went upstairs. All his explanations came to nought. 2 days later, she moved out.
Guess what? They both have moved on. If our parents moved out like that would some of us have been born? Our parents and even friends these days, have issues that are greater that what some of us count as irreconcilable differences.
Let me further shock you, an AUNTY told a niece not to take any crap from any man. Don't let them use you as foot mat. Stand your ground. Speak up. Don't be intimidated. And she did just that. Spoke up. Stood her ground. Was bold and did not take crap. She moved out of her 1 year old marriage. And moved on. The guy begged for 1 year and moved on. Guy now has 3 kids with his new wife. THIS IS NOT TO SAY LADIES SHOULD TAKE CRAP BUT WHEN THE REASON FOR BREAKING IT UP IS SOMETHING LIKE "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DROP THE TOILET SEAT"... there is a problem.
I was shocked the other day that a man said he was no longer interested in a marriage because his wife insulted his elder sister. Much as I find that unacceptable, it is not enough grounds to say, shikena! I have seen wives who got into a physical fights with their sisters in law and the wive thoroughly beat and nearly drained the blood that bound the husbands to their sisters out of their body. Heavens did not fall. But it nearly did. But it didn't.
So before I move on with the matter at hand, let me share the lyrics of Foreigner's song with you.
Foreigner I Want To Know What Love Is Lyrics
Songwriters: PARKS, ALEX / TZUKE, JUDIE / KEARNS, GRAHAM PATRICK
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
Let's talk about love
(I wanna know what love is) the love that you feel inside
(I want you to show me) I'm feeling so much love
(I wanna feel what love is) no, you just cannot hide
(I know you can show me) yeah, woah-oh-ooh
I wanna know what love is, let's talk about love
(I want you to show me) I wanna feel it too
(I wanna feel what love is) I wanna feel it too
And I know, and I know, I know you can show me
Show me what is real, woah (woah), yeah I know
(I wanna know what love is) hey I wanna know what love
(I want you to show me), I wanna know, I wanna know, want know
(I wanna feel what love is), hey I wanna feel, love
I know you can show me, yeah
What is the role of love in all of the things going on in our relationships these days? Why has love not been able to hold marriages together anymore? Why are people falling in love but many can't even feel the love they so desire?
Guess what? LOVE WAS NOT THE ANSWER. We all got fooled. I have talked with so many people, people who have been married for much longer than I have been alive. And they have been kind enough to share with me that it's the combination of a lot of things that make up love. That back then they liked a person and gradually they found out that all the things the person did for them was because
Friday, 20 July 2012
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
DEAR GOD,...
God Almighty
C/o Jesus Christ
Heaven
Above.
Dear God,
RE: MATTERS ARISING
MINGWE... In capital letters. Ikira for you... Heeyyyy... heyyyy.. Heeyyyy... Hey!!!!
It's me your son, Atuyonta Alleluya Akporobomemerere, I also go by the name Ali Baba. That's my guy name. I have had some matters that have been pressing hard on my heart. So I thought to let you know.
I hope this letter meets you in perfect condition. If so, doxology. I know you are ok, just checking noni. How is everyone in heaven? Jesus, Holy Spirit, Holy Mary, Angel Gabriel, Saints Peter, Paul and Micheal, ehen Ajayi Crowther nko? Shay dada ni everybodi? A dupe.
First of all, God, I take God beg you... Do something about Nigeria naaaa. Shuo! Don't leave us in the hands of this politicians o! Some of them are soooo... See me telling you. You know na. They have finished us in this country o! The good people SEF are not many again. Just when we have one good person that gives us hope ad we think you will just take him. We offend you ni? God ABEG na... Forgive and forget. You kukuma know us. Just tamper justice with mercy. Ok if you want to take anybody, because of our sins, why don't you just take from those who we chose to represent us at the National Assembly. How you see am? It's not like I am reminding you o! Before you now tell them to write it down in the book of life. I am just making small talk with you oooo
Anyway,God, between you and I, who killed Dele Giwa? Tell me. Because I know you know. Ok let me make it easy for you. Who sent people to kill him? What of Bola Ige? Funsho Williams? Chineke, lemme tell you something don't you think enough is enough? Ok look now, BOKO Haram is killing people anyhow and making life unliveable in the north. Yet they claim it's you that they are fighting for. The senseless killing in your name has gotten out of hand. What can I say. Today, 30 people died. Tomorrow it would be 60 in another place. 'Next tomorrow' now it will be 43 people. And all we hear is 'we condemn this' and 'we are saddened by this shocking development and atrocities'... God ABEG naaa.
On a non related matter, God how do you monitor the tithe that we pay in church? I know it doesn't get to you. But the amount sometimes can be tempting for the pastor and the people who work in church and help in collecting the offering.
On a lighter note, Abasi, mbog, what football club do you support? It's important I know now, before the season starts so that when we, ARSENAL FC, play against your team we know who to pray to. I know you can influence the match. But if there is anything we can do to help you as our guy, it's to go easy on your club... Before you call it blasphemy. Because the beating we will be dishing out this season will be painful on all levels. Whether the devil is red, blue, orange green or colour bar... Them go hear wen!
Talking of sports, God please protect all the athletes going for the London Games. With all these many flights going into London. Help us win one or two gold medals. That's all we ask. Oh yes, God while at it, do something about Sepp Blatter or is bladder gon SEF. And also help our people to develop our grassroot sports. All those boys wasting their talents in pursuit of pipeline dough... Grant them a change of heart. Not amnesty.
God is it possible to remove lust from the sub-section of sin? Not because of anything, but you gave us eyes to see, and you may think I am trying to flatter you, but these girls are beautiful. Not for any bad reason o... Just admiring them. Can you? Or should I go through Jesus Christ? I have a feeling that some prayers we send to you through him... He will just look at the prayer and yimu. Because I strongly believe that if he brings some kind prayer request to you, you will ask him "what is that supposed to mean?" I am that I am, don't be offended o, why don't you just finish Devil ones and for all? If we're you that's what I will do. End of discussion!!!!
One more thing, God, and be honest, this is very important for all of us, your sons who like to have meat on our bones... Is it wrong to watch SERENA Williams playing tennis? I'm asking on be half of a lot of guys... And I am sure you already know that that oyinbo lady that presents a programme called Ellen on DStv also likes what we like. EHEN back to my question? Is it a sin? It's not ABI? Oho! I told them its not a sin and some were calling us perverts. God have you seen how the back of that... Ok sorry. I got carried away. But youse of know what you created naaaa. Sorry sir... where is Holy Mary when you need her? Our Father, did you know, some women actually like what we like? Was that part of your plan?... Oho! I thought so too. It's unfair.
Anyway, hope those over zealous angels didn't write that last mistake down o.
Ehen, as I was saying Kabio'osi, why dont you take them, those bad ones like you took that one that ate apple in the villa? Em... Em... Em.. What his name again ooooo... That one that wears dark glasses at night... Ennn oooo! Yes that one. I know he is not there with you. But one can not be too sure with that SON of yours that came to die for our sins. He fit don go forgive am now. Just like he did that thifithifi jankoriko that was crucified with him. What am I saying sef? You know him better that me sef. But if he did, overrule him o! Don't let him get away with this one. He can't be entering plea bargain with people as if he is EFCC. Please talk to him in your own way. Dont make it look like I suggested it o. See me telling you what to do. I am just pushing my luck sha... Shebi it's you that said ask and it shall be given unto the asker?
Before I come and go and forget, Osonobua, where is Fela? Because I know he did some things that may not have augured well with your laid down Christian principles, like when you said "Thou shall not weed"... Not that you said it hoha like that but our pastors said you said that that vegetable smoking thing is not good. So I want to ask again, where is he? Is he born again? What is the situation report from the other side? Or is he with you? You know we don't get gist from your side like that. Except we go to Camp and Your son Adeboye will just stop in the middle of telling us about you and say you told him something. So what is the Koko?
By the way, God do you know if you use all these your men of God to send message to us, some of the messages don't get to us like you sent it. I know you know what I am talking about, but then again, what can I say, you said she should not speak ill of your annoited and do them no harm... But Oritse, did you call some of this people we see around or did they call themselves? I am not doing them any harm now, just you and me, talk true, you call them? Because, some of them are beginning to look like they called themselves o. I will leave you to think about it. Some sef, are worse than... No need to even say it, shebi it's you, you already know where I am going even before I started writing this letter.
Can you imagine? I nearly forgot to ask about the flooding in Lagos State. Are you not taking the title a city of aquatic splendour a bit too far? Or is Pastor Enoch Adeboye or Pastor Kumuyi building an ark somewhere secretly? Is is possible to channel this water to those dry places in Sudan and Somalia? I hope I have not crossed my boundary? Ok scratch that. I was just asking based on the promise that you said you will not destroy the earth again using water. Because when these rains start, even the rainbow doesnt give the people affected any assurance o!
On a serious note, Allah, things rough die! The only thing that seems to be in season now is corruption. That's the only business booming. Even opportunity now send a text. And with the way the networks are thesedays, the opportunity will pass sef because the networks are upgrading, before the text will deliver. NEPA is doing their own on one side. God you sometimes make me feel like you are selective in the prayers you answer. Because if not, "all the whole" people who have looted monies meant for developing this country, would have all died! I know you are doing your best, but there are still many of them around.
See, Eledumare, let me tell you something, you can then use your mind, don't be sending Your son and his mother to handle the issues in Nigeria... Send the other guy, the one you said we should not sin against, EHEN oooo. Send him. Let him just come and handle these looting thieving and corrupt politicians once and for all. You know the guy I am talking about abi? Better know because I am not ready to call his name o. I heard he was the one going from house to house killing all the first borns in Egypt when they refused to let your people go.
El-Shaddai, I have a strange feeling that you and your Angels are always tuned to the Earth Channel of BIG BROTHER... Just watching all of us make a fool of ourselves. I bet that Angel Gabriel bends over laughing just watching the things you all already knew, unfold themselves to us. Bet you saw Chris OKOTIE's stuff coming... And you no talk? I suspect you. In fact, I suspect you and Jesus. God, you will notice I have always avoided the third part of the Trinity... Yes it's a wise thing to do. Ehennnnnnn. Did you guys see Goldie's eviction before the eviction? What am I asking SEF? Of course you guys saw it. How come you didn't inform TB Joshua to warn her? Wait o! God did you even recognise her? You know the hair can change a person. Like when Wayne Rooney tried to grow hair where you already said "NO HAIR! NO HAIR! NO HAIR!
Arugbo'ojo, wait o, it's not like I am teaching you your job o, but don't you think, you have let people get away with too many things? Not like my own things I get away with o! You know I have begged and you have said old things are passed away. I am talking of all those terrible sinners. Those kidnappers, armed robbers, rapists, Adam and Steve, bad belle people, murderers, pedophile, corrupt politicians, people who don't give me shows... All them wicked people... What are you waiting for naaa? God if I were you en! Their own don finish. Did you hear of someone who collected $620,000 to cover the truth? Is a lie that expensive thesedays? Did he even pay tithe out of the money?
By the way, God, thank you for everything you have done for me. House, career, beautiful wife, lovely children, my family and friends, creativity, safety in the air, bet you heard about how many people died over a month ago... Thank you for journey mercies. Thank you for life and for provision. Bless all you have used to bless me. Let their joy be full. Those looking onto for the fruit of the womb, father bless them with plenty children. I know you promised me all will be well. And I am banking on your promise. Thank you thank you thank you. You rock!!!! But don't forget the things I asked for in prayers always. Let them come to pass. I don't have to mention them again. Besides I think some people are eavesdropping on our conversation.
I have plenty questions to ask you but I know you are busy with Syria, Somalia, Sudan and Israel. But I will ask them anyway. Anyway you find time, just read them.
Jehovah, you are my all and all. And on you only I will for ever depend.
C/o Jesus Christ
Heaven
Above.
Dear God,
RE: MATTERS ARISING
MINGWE... In capital letters. Ikira for you... Heeyyyy... heyyyy.. Heeyyyy... Hey!!!!
It's me your son, Atuyonta Alleluya Akporobomemerere, I also go by the name Ali Baba. That's my guy name. I have had some matters that have been pressing hard on my heart. So I thought to let you know.
I hope this letter meets you in perfect condition. If so, doxology. I know you are ok, just checking noni. How is everyone in heaven? Jesus, Holy Spirit, Holy Mary, Angel Gabriel, Saints Peter, Paul and Micheal, ehen Ajayi Crowther nko? Shay dada ni everybodi? A dupe.
First of all, God, I take God beg you... Do something about Nigeria naaaa. Shuo! Don't leave us in the hands of this politicians o! Some of them are soooo... See me telling you. You know na. They have finished us in this country o! The good people SEF are not many again. Just when we have one good person that gives us hope ad we think you will just take him. We offend you ni? God ABEG na... Forgive and forget. You kukuma know us. Just tamper justice with mercy. Ok if you want to take anybody, because of our sins, why don't you just take from those who we chose to represent us at the National Assembly. How you see am? It's not like I am reminding you o! Before you now tell them to write it down in the book of life. I am just making small talk with you oooo
Anyway,God, between you and I, who killed Dele Giwa? Tell me. Because I know you know. Ok let me make it easy for you. Who sent people to kill him? What of Bola Ige? Funsho Williams? Chineke, lemme tell you something don't you think enough is enough? Ok look now, BOKO Haram is killing people anyhow and making life unliveable in the north. Yet they claim it's you that they are fighting for. The senseless killing in your name has gotten out of hand. What can I say. Today, 30 people died. Tomorrow it would be 60 in another place. 'Next tomorrow' now it will be 43 people. And all we hear is 'we condemn this' and 'we are saddened by this shocking development and atrocities'... God ABEG naaa.
On a non related matter, God how do you monitor the tithe that we pay in church? I know it doesn't get to you. But the amount sometimes can be tempting for the pastor and the people who work in church and help in collecting the offering.
On a lighter note, Abasi, mbog, what football club do you support? It's important I know now, before the season starts so that when we, ARSENAL FC, play against your team we know who to pray to. I know you can influence the match. But if there is anything we can do to help you as our guy, it's to go easy on your club... Before you call it blasphemy. Because the beating we will be dishing out this season will be painful on all levels. Whether the devil is red, blue, orange green or colour bar... Them go hear wen!
Talking of sports, God please protect all the athletes going for the London Games. With all these many flights going into London. Help us win one or two gold medals. That's all we ask. Oh yes, God while at it, do something about Sepp Blatter or is bladder gon SEF. And also help our people to develop our grassroot sports. All those boys wasting their talents in pursuit of pipeline dough... Grant them a change of heart. Not amnesty.
God is it possible to remove lust from the sub-section of sin? Not because of anything, but you gave us eyes to see, and you may think I am trying to flatter you, but these girls are beautiful. Not for any bad reason o... Just admiring them. Can you? Or should I go through Jesus Christ? I have a feeling that some prayers we send to you through him... He will just look at the prayer and yimu. Because I strongly believe that if he brings some kind prayer request to you, you will ask him "what is that supposed to mean?" I am that I am, don't be offended o, why don't you just finish Devil ones and for all? If we're you that's what I will do. End of discussion!!!!
One more thing, God, and be honest, this is very important for all of us, your sons who like to have meat on our bones... Is it wrong to watch SERENA Williams playing tennis? I'm asking on be half of a lot of guys... And I am sure you already know that that oyinbo lady that presents a programme called Ellen on DStv also likes what we like. EHEN back to my question? Is it a sin? It's not ABI? Oho! I told them its not a sin and some were calling us perverts. God have you seen how the back of that... Ok sorry. I got carried away. But youse of know what you created naaaa. Sorry sir... where is Holy Mary when you need her? Our Father, did you know, some women actually like what we like? Was that part of your plan?... Oho! I thought so too. It's unfair.
Anyway, hope those over zealous angels didn't write that last mistake down o.
Ehen, as I was saying Kabio'osi, why dont you take them, those bad ones like you took that one that ate apple in the villa? Em... Em... Em.. What his name again ooooo... That one that wears dark glasses at night... Ennn oooo! Yes that one. I know he is not there with you. But one can not be too sure with that SON of yours that came to die for our sins. He fit don go forgive am now. Just like he did that thifithifi jankoriko that was crucified with him. What am I saying sef? You know him better that me sef. But if he did, overrule him o! Don't let him get away with this one. He can't be entering plea bargain with people as if he is EFCC. Please talk to him in your own way. Dont make it look like I suggested it o. See me telling you what to do. I am just pushing my luck sha... Shebi it's you that said ask and it shall be given unto the asker?
Before I come and go and forget, Osonobua, where is Fela? Because I know he did some things that may not have augured well with your laid down Christian principles, like when you said "Thou shall not weed"... Not that you said it hoha like that but our pastors said you said that that vegetable smoking thing is not good. So I want to ask again, where is he? Is he born again? What is the situation report from the other side? Or is he with you? You know we don't get gist from your side like that. Except we go to Camp and Your son Adeboye will just stop in the middle of telling us about you and say you told him something. So what is the Koko?
By the way, God do you know if you use all these your men of God to send message to us, some of the messages don't get to us like you sent it. I know you know what I am talking about, but then again, what can I say, you said she should not speak ill of your annoited and do them no harm... But Oritse, did you call some of this people we see around or did they call themselves? I am not doing them any harm now, just you and me, talk true, you call them? Because, some of them are beginning to look like they called themselves o. I will leave you to think about it. Some sef, are worse than... No need to even say it, shebi it's you, you already know where I am going even before I started writing this letter.
Can you imagine? I nearly forgot to ask about the flooding in Lagos State. Are you not taking the title a city of aquatic splendour a bit too far? Or is Pastor Enoch Adeboye or Pastor Kumuyi building an ark somewhere secretly? Is is possible to channel this water to those dry places in Sudan and Somalia? I hope I have not crossed my boundary? Ok scratch that. I was just asking based on the promise that you said you will not destroy the earth again using water. Because when these rains start, even the rainbow doesnt give the people affected any assurance o!
On a serious note, Allah, things rough die! The only thing that seems to be in season now is corruption. That's the only business booming. Even opportunity now send a text. And with the way the networks are thesedays, the opportunity will pass sef because the networks are upgrading, before the text will deliver. NEPA is doing their own on one side. God you sometimes make me feel like you are selective in the prayers you answer. Because if not, "all the whole" people who have looted monies meant for developing this country, would have all died! I know you are doing your best, but there are still many of them around.
See, Eledumare, let me tell you something, you can then use your mind, don't be sending Your son and his mother to handle the issues in Nigeria... Send the other guy, the one you said we should not sin against, EHEN oooo. Send him. Let him just come and handle these looting thieving and corrupt politicians once and for all. You know the guy I am talking about abi? Better know because I am not ready to call his name o. I heard he was the one going from house to house killing all the first borns in Egypt when they refused to let your people go.
El-Shaddai, I have a strange feeling that you and your Angels are always tuned to the Earth Channel of BIG BROTHER... Just watching all of us make a fool of ourselves. I bet that Angel Gabriel bends over laughing just watching the things you all already knew, unfold themselves to us. Bet you saw Chris OKOTIE's stuff coming... And you no talk? I suspect you. In fact, I suspect you and Jesus. God, you will notice I have always avoided the third part of the Trinity... Yes it's a wise thing to do. Ehennnnnnn. Did you guys see Goldie's eviction before the eviction? What am I asking SEF? Of course you guys saw it. How come you didn't inform TB Joshua to warn her? Wait o! God did you even recognise her? You know the hair can change a person. Like when Wayne Rooney tried to grow hair where you already said "NO HAIR! NO HAIR! NO HAIR!
Arugbo'ojo, wait o, it's not like I am teaching you your job o, but don't you think, you have let people get away with too many things? Not like my own things I get away with o! You know I have begged and you have said old things are passed away. I am talking of all those terrible sinners. Those kidnappers, armed robbers, rapists, Adam and Steve, bad belle people, murderers, pedophile, corrupt politicians, people who don't give me shows... All them wicked people... What are you waiting for naaa? God if I were you en! Their own don finish. Did you hear of someone who collected $620,000 to cover the truth? Is a lie that expensive thesedays? Did he even pay tithe out of the money?
By the way, God, thank you for everything you have done for me. House, career, beautiful wife, lovely children, my family and friends, creativity, safety in the air, bet you heard about how many people died over a month ago... Thank you for journey mercies. Thank you for life and for provision. Bless all you have used to bless me. Let their joy be full. Those looking onto for the fruit of the womb, father bless them with plenty children. I know you promised me all will be well. And I am banking on your promise. Thank you thank you thank you. You rock!!!! But don't forget the things I asked for in prayers always. Let them come to pass. I don't have to mention them again. Besides I think some people are eavesdropping on our conversation.
I have plenty questions to ask you but I know you are busy with Syria, Somalia, Sudan and Israel. But I will ask them anyway. Anyway you find time, just read them.
Jehovah, you are my all and all. And on you only I will for ever depend.
Thursday, 12 July 2012
GUESTS LIST.
No beating around the bush. Straight to the point.
Anyone who grabs hold of a guests list in Nigeria can tell a lot from the list. The class of people, the venue, the food and drinks that would be served there, the kind of circles the host can be found in or wants to be associated with, what kind of party to expect and if the event would be a must attend. Hustlers are always spot on with this type of thing. They will tell you who, what, when, where, why, how and which Of the event. No lele.
Nigerians were not called the happiest people for nothing. We know how to party. And we party hard!!! No matter the occasion, we are ready. Be it a burial or naming. In other words, whether the person is incoming or outgoing... We party. I have even heard of where some guy who was a Deputy Managing Director in a bank, got home to meet his house all done up and redecorated with new furniture and a new coat of paint, just as he returned from depositing the body at the morgue. He was about protesting, but he was cut short by his friends who told him to stop protesting. "Don't say the one that will make God vex for you. Do you know if this is his way of saying 'Its your time to shine?'"
What elements are necessary for a party to be held? Like I said, anything can occasion a celebration. Birthdays, retirement, appointment, marriage anniversary, promotion, graduation, Phd in an unstudied course, reunion, conferment with a Chieftaincy title... The position you hold at the time of the celebration determines the weight of the party and the guests list. If you just got into an office,... ok for clearer understanding, say the office of the Secretary to the Federal Government of Nigeria, you will be amazed at how many friends you have. Friends who may not as much as have sent you a text message, not call o! just a text when you celebrated the year before the appointment. A call would even be a miracle. They pop up from no where.
In some cases kpakpa, the people who disappeared all these while when you had no appointment begin to blame you for losing their numbers or for not staying in touch. The one I like to hear is... "Ol boy, where you go hide? I lost all my phone contacts and I have been trying to reach you." "Did you change numbers?" Or the attack is the best form of defence method... "Did you delete me from your phone or blocked me? Everytime I try calling my call never goes through. I just said ok oh! One of these days I go see you face to face!" Some employ the service of a decoy who contacts you and asks if you and Mr So so and so are quarrelling. Me? Why? "He said he has tried reaching you and you always don't pick his calls. He even said he sent a text and you did not even bother to reply"... These decoys wet the ground for that run away friend whose call you never got when you became irrelevant 4 years ago. But now..
Guess what? Your new appointment is the reason for the total recall and renewed familiarity. They are all a bunch of fair weather friends. Wonsheboti tan... Ona ti OLUWA gbegba owa je ona iyannu... Ewooooo etun wo!
In other words, people who wrote you off their own guests list, always find excuses for what took you off their list. Shift the blame to look good is their return to favour plan. But some people who have been abandoned see beyond all that crap. Especially these days that the pictures of all who attended any event get splashed in weekly papers, Ovation and several other Ovation wannabes. I have overheard the current SGF say the last time a particular business man called him was when he was Senate President. All of a sudden, the guy was now trying to use attack as the best form of defence. That he thought SGF was quarrelling with him.
Some people take it for granted that they are a permanent fixture and feature on you guests list. Fafafaaaaa foul! If your friendship was not strong in the first place absence from or failure to nurture the friend status just simply means our friendship has run out of validity period. Don't pretend you still have connection. Visit a friendship centre or else... You are so off the guests list. Coming around and hailing me in 2012 when the last time I smelled your stinking breath was 2001. If you were a TOKUNBO car you would have had to be smuggled into my guests list.
Friends? There are some friends that are worse than enemies. They may mean well. But be rest assure you may fall into that well. These same friends form the main people on the guests list of every event in Nigeria. That is if they, the friends, are not the ones who draw up the list in the first place. They usually come with the tag, COMMITTEE OF FRIENDS! This committees have been know to remove names of people from a list. People who they unanimously agree do not qualify to be invited. Leaving the chief host with a host of people to apologise to. Sometimes, by the time the chief host gets around to sending an invite, the excluded friend may feel too slighted to attend.
Which brings me to the next question. Who makes the guests list and how are those on the list selected?
Plainly and simply put, people who add value. However, some are invited for that "just so you know I am still standing" feel. Especially when people wrote you off and you come back bigger and badder. You invite them to come see that "them no reach". In fact, you make sure you mention it during the vote of thanks. Or even get KSA to add it to the praise singing.
Sorry, I had to go there.
The guests list is drawn up from family and friends, business associates, Spouse's friends, old school mates, captains of industry, colleagues at present and past places of work, political affiliations, acquaintances, in-laws, neighbours and so on and so forth. Sometimes, ironically though, the guests list might just include one or two of those the host would not even want at his/her funeral. When the event is under the direct supervision of Madam, chances are some of Oga's friends who madam suspect to be the reason for those late night Oga keeps, may be left out of the guests list BY MISTAKE. Woe betide the person who reminds Oga such persons were mistakenly left out. That person's name gets on a list madam updates every now and then (called black book by some) for future references.
Tit for tat is another yardstick used by Nigerians for knocking out a guests list. This happens when an event host decides to get a pound of flesh back. "What is Yetunde's name and her husband's doing on this list?"... I thought we should extend them an olive... "extend them a bottle of olive oil all you can, they can take it and rub it where the sun don't shine for all I care!!" But Yetunde is a nice woman... "What part of her informed that opinion in your head? Nice my foot! Let them read about it just like we saw theirs in the magazine. I no send!" Now it is payback time.
Bet you already know contractors, hustlers and political apologists are the greatest prostitutes when it comes to drawing up a guests list. To the ordinary eye, the list may appear to be a mix of all kinds of strange bed fellows. But to the people who put that list together, it's all part of a greater puzzle, when properly managed, could lead to a multi billion naira contract, a back to life appointment or even ticket to a government house. A good guests list can sometimes do more than a HAVARD degree. Trust me, I know.
Event planners, (and there are many of them who will corroborate this fact)... Will tell you that the guests list is also a major factor in the choice of the kinds of drinks, food, venue, band and MC contracted for the event. There are some people on certain lists who take nothing but Crystal. Some will only take something if that something is Blue Label JOHNNY WALKER. It is non negotiable. In fact, often, some guests will say never mind, I will bring my own cooler.
There are no guests list that do not have a ghost list. Some people will be invited specially, that can never be on the list especially if madam is privy to the final list. These are the ghost workers that the Oga may not want to have to justify their names being on the list. They just show up at the event in the chosen colours and life is good. I also have it on good authority that, some of such people dont need invites. Oga's P.A. Or a designated usher is assigned to see to it that they are well taken care of. Interestingly, it's only in Nigeria, that a guest will receive an invitation, not confirm receipt or attendance, yet show up at the event... With a gang of 3 more guests, even when the card says CARD ADMITS ONE.
This piece will be incomplete if I fail to mention the friends of people on the guests list who are not on the guests list but generally conclude it was an error of omission, the invite got lost in transit, could have been been stolen, or maybe the host probably thought it had been sent, and show up at the vent anyway! Come and bounce the man who has blended into the colours of the Aso Ebi and is strolling in, hand in hand with Otunba Sunbomi Balogun and Oba Otudeko... Come and bounce your father na!
In fact, some names, may not make the guests list, when they show up at the event, a white lie is all that you see jumping out of the mout of the host. "Oh, sorry chief, we sent it." "Excellency, we heard you would not be in town" "We thought you will not have time to attend."
Some people never fail to amaze me. Nearly 4 years ago, my wife left her bank job. The number of hello ma', just said to call and say hi reduced. Even birthday calls, text and visits reduced to a single or low double digits. Now that it looks like things are not like they thought the things would be permanently and that she is now vindicated and back on the block, I have started receiving calls and strange hellos from people who I last spoke to 3 years ago.
I just feel like asking some of them, where is your guests list for the past nearly 4 years, DEAR FRIEND?
MSCHEEEEW!!!!!
Anyone who grabs hold of a guests list in Nigeria can tell a lot from the list. The class of people, the venue, the food and drinks that would be served there, the kind of circles the host can be found in or wants to be associated with, what kind of party to expect and if the event would be a must attend. Hustlers are always spot on with this type of thing. They will tell you who, what, when, where, why, how and which Of the event. No lele.
Nigerians were not called the happiest people for nothing. We know how to party. And we party hard!!! No matter the occasion, we are ready. Be it a burial or naming. In other words, whether the person is incoming or outgoing... We party. I have even heard of where some guy who was a Deputy Managing Director in a bank, got home to meet his house all done up and redecorated with new furniture and a new coat of paint, just as he returned from depositing the body at the morgue. He was about protesting, but he was cut short by his friends who told him to stop protesting. "Don't say the one that will make God vex for you. Do you know if this is his way of saying 'Its your time to shine?'"
What elements are necessary for a party to be held? Like I said, anything can occasion a celebration. Birthdays, retirement, appointment, marriage anniversary, promotion, graduation, Phd in an unstudied course, reunion, conferment with a Chieftaincy title... The position you hold at the time of the celebration determines the weight of the party and the guests list. If you just got into an office,... ok for clearer understanding, say the office of the Secretary to the Federal Government of Nigeria, you will be amazed at how many friends you have. Friends who may not as much as have sent you a text message, not call o! just a text when you celebrated the year before the appointment. A call would even be a miracle. They pop up from no where.
In some cases kpakpa, the people who disappeared all these while when you had no appointment begin to blame you for losing their numbers or for not staying in touch. The one I like to hear is... "Ol boy, where you go hide? I lost all my phone contacts and I have been trying to reach you." "Did you change numbers?" Or the attack is the best form of defence method... "Did you delete me from your phone or blocked me? Everytime I try calling my call never goes through. I just said ok oh! One of these days I go see you face to face!" Some employ the service of a decoy who contacts you and asks if you and Mr So so and so are quarrelling. Me? Why? "He said he has tried reaching you and you always don't pick his calls. He even said he sent a text and you did not even bother to reply"... These decoys wet the ground for that run away friend whose call you never got when you became irrelevant 4 years ago. But now..
Guess what? Your new appointment is the reason for the total recall and renewed familiarity. They are all a bunch of fair weather friends. Wonsheboti tan... Ona ti OLUWA gbegba owa je ona iyannu... Ewooooo etun wo!
In other words, people who wrote you off their own guests list, always find excuses for what took you off their list. Shift the blame to look good is their return to favour plan. But some people who have been abandoned see beyond all that crap. Especially these days that the pictures of all who attended any event get splashed in weekly papers, Ovation and several other Ovation wannabes. I have overheard the current SGF say the last time a particular business man called him was when he was Senate President. All of a sudden, the guy was now trying to use attack as the best form of defence. That he thought SGF was quarrelling with him.
Some people take it for granted that they are a permanent fixture and feature on you guests list. Fafafaaaaa foul! If your friendship was not strong in the first place absence from or failure to nurture the friend status just simply means our friendship has run out of validity period. Don't pretend you still have connection. Visit a friendship centre or else... You are so off the guests list. Coming around and hailing me in 2012 when the last time I smelled your stinking breath was 2001. If you were a TOKUNBO car you would have had to be smuggled into my guests list.
Friends? There are some friends that are worse than enemies. They may mean well. But be rest assure you may fall into that well. These same friends form the main people on the guests list of every event in Nigeria. That is if they, the friends, are not the ones who draw up the list in the first place. They usually come with the tag, COMMITTEE OF FRIENDS! This committees have been know to remove names of people from a list. People who they unanimously agree do not qualify to be invited. Leaving the chief host with a host of people to apologise to. Sometimes, by the time the chief host gets around to sending an invite, the excluded friend may feel too slighted to attend.
Which brings me to the next question. Who makes the guests list and how are those on the list selected?
Plainly and simply put, people who add value. However, some are invited for that "just so you know I am still standing" feel. Especially when people wrote you off and you come back bigger and badder. You invite them to come see that "them no reach". In fact, you make sure you mention it during the vote of thanks. Or even get KSA to add it to the praise singing.
Sorry, I had to go there.
The guests list is drawn up from family and friends, business associates, Spouse's friends, old school mates, captains of industry, colleagues at present and past places of work, political affiliations, acquaintances, in-laws, neighbours and so on and so forth. Sometimes, ironically though, the guests list might just include one or two of those the host would not even want at his/her funeral. When the event is under the direct supervision of Madam, chances are some of Oga's friends who madam suspect to be the reason for those late night Oga keeps, may be left out of the guests list BY MISTAKE. Woe betide the person who reminds Oga such persons were mistakenly left out. That person's name gets on a list madam updates every now and then (called black book by some) for future references.
Tit for tat is another yardstick used by Nigerians for knocking out a guests list. This happens when an event host decides to get a pound of flesh back. "What is Yetunde's name and her husband's doing on this list?"... I thought we should extend them an olive... "extend them a bottle of olive oil all you can, they can take it and rub it where the sun don't shine for all I care!!" But Yetunde is a nice woman... "What part of her informed that opinion in your head? Nice my foot! Let them read about it just like we saw theirs in the magazine. I no send!" Now it is payback time.
Bet you already know contractors, hustlers and political apologists are the greatest prostitutes when it comes to drawing up a guests list. To the ordinary eye, the list may appear to be a mix of all kinds of strange bed fellows. But to the people who put that list together, it's all part of a greater puzzle, when properly managed, could lead to a multi billion naira contract, a back to life appointment or even ticket to a government house. A good guests list can sometimes do more than a HAVARD degree. Trust me, I know.
Event planners, (and there are many of them who will corroborate this fact)... Will tell you that the guests list is also a major factor in the choice of the kinds of drinks, food, venue, band and MC contracted for the event. There are some people on certain lists who take nothing but Crystal. Some will only take something if that something is Blue Label JOHNNY WALKER. It is non negotiable. In fact, often, some guests will say never mind, I will bring my own cooler.
There are no guests list that do not have a ghost list. Some people will be invited specially, that can never be on the list especially if madam is privy to the final list. These are the ghost workers that the Oga may not want to have to justify their names being on the list. They just show up at the event in the chosen colours and life is good. I also have it on good authority that, some of such people dont need invites. Oga's P.A. Or a designated usher is assigned to see to it that they are well taken care of. Interestingly, it's only in Nigeria, that a guest will receive an invitation, not confirm receipt or attendance, yet show up at the event... With a gang of 3 more guests, even when the card says CARD ADMITS ONE.
This piece will be incomplete if I fail to mention the friends of people on the guests list who are not on the guests list but generally conclude it was an error of omission, the invite got lost in transit, could have been been stolen, or maybe the host probably thought it had been sent, and show up at the vent anyway! Come and bounce the man who has blended into the colours of the Aso Ebi and is strolling in, hand in hand with Otunba Sunbomi Balogun and Oba Otudeko... Come and bounce your father na!
In fact, some names, may not make the guests list, when they show up at the event, a white lie is all that you see jumping out of the mout of the host. "Oh, sorry chief, we sent it." "Excellency, we heard you would not be in town" "We thought you will not have time to attend."
Some people never fail to amaze me. Nearly 4 years ago, my wife left her bank job. The number of hello ma', just said to call and say hi reduced. Even birthday calls, text and visits reduced to a single or low double digits. Now that it looks like things are not like they thought the things would be permanently and that she is now vindicated and back on the block, I have started receiving calls and strange hellos from people who I last spoke to 3 years ago.
I just feel like asking some of them, where is your guests list for the past nearly 4 years, DEAR FRIEND?
MSCHEEEEW!!!!!
Sunday, 8 July 2012
OIL STAND!!!!!!
It was sometime in 1995, that it first hit me that we, as Nigerians, had lost our educational values and expectedly, our future. I had observed it and tried to put it in perspectives, but the more I tried, the clearer it became: THAT WE LOST OR FUTURE FROM THE WORD SCHOOL. I encountered people who at the time were never do wells and had no plans to. Legitimately, that is. They had chosen the path and are going to hell with it.
If you allow me a few paragraphs( ok, truth be told, many paragraphs) you may see my point.
In the beginning, our people were basically farmers. Farmers in what ever way you defined it. We planted. We harvested. Sold the produce. Planted more. Harvested more. Sold more... Then came religion and along side it education. Like a wise writer once said the white men came with a bible in their hand and we had the land. The white men now told us to close our eyes for prayers. When the prayer was over and we had said AMEN!... we opened our eyes, they had the land and we had the bible. This parable goes beyond the exchange of bible and land. It's a matter of lost birthright. It's a matter of lost values and misplaced priorities.
Stay with me on this. I'm getting somewhere.
In those days before the bible for land exchange, the people of worth, were the hard working lot. The hunter, the farmer, palmwine tapper, the blacksmith, the herberlist, the towncrier, the warriors, the palace jester/the storyteller, the trader,... These and many more were the professionals at the time. They knew their jobs. Their jobs defined them. Some even became known and called by the work of their hands. They were dignified professionals in their chosen careers. In fact, people offered them their sons to train as understudy or apprentice if you may, just so that the professional knowledge can be passed on to their families as well.
Expectedly too, some families will gave their daughters' hand in marriage to such professionals because of the respect he commanded and his industry. This to the family giving the daughter is an investment in that family, tapping into the anointing if you may and extending their network of influence. After all, the children from the loins of the professionals will become professionals too.
These were the simple dynamics of economics, social structure, security, prosperity, integrity and human relations at the time. They were the basis upon which a lot of decisions were taken. People's worth were rated on the contributions you made on the community as a whole. The professional was considered a more important person to the community based on the dependence on the services he rendered. In fact, these were plus or minus enough reasons to go war.
Now, throw in religion and education in all that mix. Aha!
This man with a bible, comes into the picture and is now telling us 'blessed are the poor', 'prayer is the key' 'one man one wife' 'forgive' 'thou shall not...' there is no need to go into the different resistances and culture shock that followed. If anyone needs to be retold and reminded of what happened, I recommend the novel, THINGS FALL APART by Prof Chinua Achebe.
Education and religion, came hand in hand. They both started to win people over and before "not too long" able bodied men, who ordinarily would have been gainfully employed, were changing occupations. Some became teachers of Sunday School, Cathecist, Altar boys, interpreters, court clerks, messengers, etc. It was then sold to our society that hard work as it was known back then, was not the only way to earn respect or be a person of worth.
Somewhere in between all of that, was the irony of slave trade. Because if truly, that crap of hard work was not all important, why were all the able bodied men the ones that were harvested and taken into slavery? Why were the weaklings left behind and the strong taken to the land of no return?
In spite of the slave trade and it's catastrophic consequences, some people still managed to keep providing those professional services that provided the oil that kept the wheels of the community going.
Going through history, it became clear to me that, our occupational and educational values, as defined by the things we hold dear and sacrosanct to the growth and development of our society, were determined by the kind of aspirations and expectations that are found in that society. Meaning, what we get is based on the value we place on occupational and educational dynamics. When values are placed on wrong dynamics... You can not plant yam to harvest crude oil naaaa HABA! Trust me, we have not done well. So when I look around me and see what is happening, only one song comes to mind. No, actually two songs. The first is Sound Sultan's JAGBAJANTIS and the second one is JAGAJAGA by Eedris Abdulkarim.
Sound sultan, has over the years impressed me with his lyrics. And continues to do so. Jagbajantis stripped to the basics the problems of this country. Yet, did anyone take notice? No. It was just a song. Then JAGAJAGA came. Now, did anyone take notice? Of course yes. Why? They took notice because it was too in their face. It pointed fingers. Unlike the subtle but more important diagnosis of the matter in Jagbajantis.
One day sha... bushmeat go catch the hunter.
We have gradually become a society that celebrates mediocrity and treat excellence as show off or an unattainable goal. We have become a country where asking for the right thing to be done is considered ramblings of the opposition. Where praising or defending the wrong is loyalty and a prerequisite for prosperity. Where did we go wrong? How did we come to this point where someone who was not properly taught is teaching people? Who would have thought that hard working people will lose their integrity and that head lifting dignity that comes with being a professional... that contributes to the advancement of society will be trashed on the platform of selfish political patriotism?
Let me take you through the occupational degeneration or occupational trend, depending on your understanding. Stay with me... I would soon be done.
Once upon a time the respect for hard work, dignity of labour, prosperity and sustenance was the reason for people choosing to be farmers. And expectedly, the products of the farmers needed to be sold and that provided job opportunities for traders. Then came religion and education and some people saw the importance of acquiring this new education and the possibilities of being like the white men who brought them. However, after acquiring the education, some became missionaries while the rest became teachers in the schools established by white men to propagate the new religion. Back then, Teachers were the most important catalysts in the new society that was growing out of the mix of the new religion and education.
The products of these teachers were driven to acquire more knowledge. And some got it. Those who did became the hot cakes of employers. They not only got jobs before leaving schools, they got jobs, cars, houses, allowances and of course opportunities to be all they want to be. Those not so cerebrally endowed opted for the military or jobs that didn't require "certain set cerebral process of employment" beyond brawn.
The educated who joined civil service quickly rose to become the new crop of people that were treated with the respect reserved for the farmers who were the ish at the time. They became leaders of thought who joined forces for nationalist struggles. Others became writers, lawyers, journalists, business owners...
The new occupational respect and profile of the educated elite were so high that the teachers who made it possible, naturally, became demi gods. So when the struggle for independence started brewing, the leaders of thought were these same teachers who had shaped the lives of the elites.
Side by side, in the occupational curve, like the educated civil servants, were those who opted to work in private companies or joined the family business or just floated their own firms. These last group, that went on to own their own businesses would later be responsible for the greatest number of employment opportunities after the civil or public service. The people in private businesses were so successful that they started to lure away good hands from government employ.
The game changer was politics, which came with the struggle for independence. And with the independence came political Parties, campaigns, alignments of different people in parties to actualise their different political aspirations, elections and the eventual elections of those who became leaders. But we all know how corruption, tribalism, bribery and embezzlement.... Which would later be cited as the reasons for the military coups.
A profession like the military that shouldn't do anything but protect the country now took over the controls of government and determined the future of NIGERIA. At this point, it is proper to mention again, that a lot of those who joined the military back then were those who did not quite have basic qualifications to go ahead to acquire further education. Those who became the catalyst for change and entrusted our public purses were those who became military apologists. These were the select groups whose businesses were favoured. Some even got appointed into public office as ministers or chairmen of corporations etc...
Just to save time, let me run through the occupational value trends again. We had the basically agrarian professionals ( farmers, herdsmen, rubber tappers, fishermen and the likes), the missionaries (who set up schools, mosques and churches), teachers ( who had been taught by he missionaries and were now transferring the education), civil servants ( those trained by the teachers and are now employed), the oil workers ( thanks o the oil boom), the politicians ( elective offices had to be filled... Oh sorry, they had to serve, I keep forgetting that's why politicians offer themselves to be elected), the military ( you know who), businessmen, bankers, drug pushers and 419s ( if you did not know that this became a full time occupation for some you must be one of the beneficiaries if not one of them), politicians ( second time around), telecoms ( mtn, glo, econet, intercellular... They were the ish), banking ( you didn't think all those 419 monies and stolen public funds had to be banked? By who else?), do or die Party politics and now it's just man know man.
So if you want to know how we got to where we are standing today, then you need to begin to take a serious look at what we have placed on our priority list and ask why we stopped placing values on the things that mattered. We MUST MUST MUST go back to our classrooms to start re-engineering our educational system and placing values on education. Because everything in government is done now based on what we get from oil. (which by the way is running out or on its last leg with alternative source of power moving from oil) And if our future is standing on oil... It's a slippery future if you ask me.
Oil stand!!!!
Class dismiss!
If you allow me a few paragraphs( ok, truth be told, many paragraphs) you may see my point.
In the beginning, our people were basically farmers. Farmers in what ever way you defined it. We planted. We harvested. Sold the produce. Planted more. Harvested more. Sold more... Then came religion and along side it education. Like a wise writer once said the white men came with a bible in their hand and we had the land. The white men now told us to close our eyes for prayers. When the prayer was over and we had said AMEN!... we opened our eyes, they had the land and we had the bible. This parable goes beyond the exchange of bible and land. It's a matter of lost birthright. It's a matter of lost values and misplaced priorities.
Stay with me on this. I'm getting somewhere.
In those days before the bible for land exchange, the people of worth, were the hard working lot. The hunter, the farmer, palmwine tapper, the blacksmith, the herberlist, the towncrier, the warriors, the palace jester/the storyteller, the trader,... These and many more were the professionals at the time. They knew their jobs. Their jobs defined them. Some even became known and called by the work of their hands. They were dignified professionals in their chosen careers. In fact, people offered them their sons to train as understudy or apprentice if you may, just so that the professional knowledge can be passed on to their families as well.
Expectedly too, some families will gave their daughters' hand in marriage to such professionals because of the respect he commanded and his industry. This to the family giving the daughter is an investment in that family, tapping into the anointing if you may and extending their network of influence. After all, the children from the loins of the professionals will become professionals too.
These were the simple dynamics of economics, social structure, security, prosperity, integrity and human relations at the time. They were the basis upon which a lot of decisions were taken. People's worth were rated on the contributions you made on the community as a whole. The professional was considered a more important person to the community based on the dependence on the services he rendered. In fact, these were plus or minus enough reasons to go war.
Now, throw in religion and education in all that mix. Aha!
This man with a bible, comes into the picture and is now telling us 'blessed are the poor', 'prayer is the key' 'one man one wife' 'forgive' 'thou shall not...' there is no need to go into the different resistances and culture shock that followed. If anyone needs to be retold and reminded of what happened, I recommend the novel, THINGS FALL APART by Prof Chinua Achebe.
Education and religion, came hand in hand. They both started to win people over and before "not too long" able bodied men, who ordinarily would have been gainfully employed, were changing occupations. Some became teachers of Sunday School, Cathecist, Altar boys, interpreters, court clerks, messengers, etc. It was then sold to our society that hard work as it was known back then, was not the only way to earn respect or be a person of worth.
Somewhere in between all of that, was the irony of slave trade. Because if truly, that crap of hard work was not all important, why were all the able bodied men the ones that were harvested and taken into slavery? Why were the weaklings left behind and the strong taken to the land of no return?
In spite of the slave trade and it's catastrophic consequences, some people still managed to keep providing those professional services that provided the oil that kept the wheels of the community going.
Going through history, it became clear to me that, our occupational and educational values, as defined by the things we hold dear and sacrosanct to the growth and development of our society, were determined by the kind of aspirations and expectations that are found in that society. Meaning, what we get is based on the value we place on occupational and educational dynamics. When values are placed on wrong dynamics... You can not plant yam to harvest crude oil naaaa HABA! Trust me, we have not done well. So when I look around me and see what is happening, only one song comes to mind. No, actually two songs. The first is Sound Sultan's JAGBAJANTIS and the second one is JAGAJAGA by Eedris Abdulkarim.
Sound sultan, has over the years impressed me with his lyrics. And continues to do so. Jagbajantis stripped to the basics the problems of this country. Yet, did anyone take notice? No. It was just a song. Then JAGAJAGA came. Now, did anyone take notice? Of course yes. Why? They took notice because it was too in their face. It pointed fingers. Unlike the subtle but more important diagnosis of the matter in Jagbajantis.
One day sha... bushmeat go catch the hunter.
We have gradually become a society that celebrates mediocrity and treat excellence as show off or an unattainable goal. We have become a country where asking for the right thing to be done is considered ramblings of the opposition. Where praising or defending the wrong is loyalty and a prerequisite for prosperity. Where did we go wrong? How did we come to this point where someone who was not properly taught is teaching people? Who would have thought that hard working people will lose their integrity and that head lifting dignity that comes with being a professional... that contributes to the advancement of society will be trashed on the platform of selfish political patriotism?
Let me take you through the occupational degeneration or occupational trend, depending on your understanding. Stay with me... I would soon be done.
Once upon a time the respect for hard work, dignity of labour, prosperity and sustenance was the reason for people choosing to be farmers. And expectedly, the products of the farmers needed to be sold and that provided job opportunities for traders. Then came religion and education and some people saw the importance of acquiring this new education and the possibilities of being like the white men who brought them. However, after acquiring the education, some became missionaries while the rest became teachers in the schools established by white men to propagate the new religion. Back then, Teachers were the most important catalysts in the new society that was growing out of the mix of the new religion and education.
The products of these teachers were driven to acquire more knowledge. And some got it. Those who did became the hot cakes of employers. They not only got jobs before leaving schools, they got jobs, cars, houses, allowances and of course opportunities to be all they want to be. Those not so cerebrally endowed opted for the military or jobs that didn't require "certain set cerebral process of employment" beyond brawn.
The educated who joined civil service quickly rose to become the new crop of people that were treated with the respect reserved for the farmers who were the ish at the time. They became leaders of thought who joined forces for nationalist struggles. Others became writers, lawyers, journalists, business owners...
The new occupational respect and profile of the educated elite were so high that the teachers who made it possible, naturally, became demi gods. So when the struggle for independence started brewing, the leaders of thought were these same teachers who had shaped the lives of the elites.
Side by side, in the occupational curve, like the educated civil servants, were those who opted to work in private companies or joined the family business or just floated their own firms. These last group, that went on to own their own businesses would later be responsible for the greatest number of employment opportunities after the civil or public service. The people in private businesses were so successful that they started to lure away good hands from government employ.
The game changer was politics, which came with the struggle for independence. And with the independence came political Parties, campaigns, alignments of different people in parties to actualise their different political aspirations, elections and the eventual elections of those who became leaders. But we all know how corruption, tribalism, bribery and embezzlement.... Which would later be cited as the reasons for the military coups.
A profession like the military that shouldn't do anything but protect the country now took over the controls of government and determined the future of NIGERIA. At this point, it is proper to mention again, that a lot of those who joined the military back then were those who did not quite have basic qualifications to go ahead to acquire further education. Those who became the catalyst for change and entrusted our public purses were those who became military apologists. These were the select groups whose businesses were favoured. Some even got appointed into public office as ministers or chairmen of corporations etc...
Just to save time, let me run through the occupational value trends again. We had the basically agrarian professionals ( farmers, herdsmen, rubber tappers, fishermen and the likes), the missionaries (who set up schools, mosques and churches), teachers ( who had been taught by he missionaries and were now transferring the education), civil servants ( those trained by the teachers and are now employed), the oil workers ( thanks o the oil boom), the politicians ( elective offices had to be filled... Oh sorry, they had to serve, I keep forgetting that's why politicians offer themselves to be elected), the military ( you know who), businessmen, bankers, drug pushers and 419s ( if you did not know that this became a full time occupation for some you must be one of the beneficiaries if not one of them), politicians ( second time around), telecoms ( mtn, glo, econet, intercellular... They were the ish), banking ( you didn't think all those 419 monies and stolen public funds had to be banked? By who else?), do or die Party politics and now it's just man know man.
So if you want to know how we got to where we are standing today, then you need to begin to take a serious look at what we have placed on our priority list and ask why we stopped placing values on the things that mattered. We MUST MUST MUST go back to our classrooms to start re-engineering our educational system and placing values on education. Because everything in government is done now based on what we get from oil. (which by the way is running out or on its last leg with alternative source of power moving from oil) And if our future is standing on oil... It's a slippery future if you ask me.
Oil stand!!!!
Class dismiss!
Sunday, 1 July 2012
THERE ARE RUNS AND THERE ARE RUUUUUNS
Act One Scene 1
A 4 Bedroom Duplex in Parkview, IKOYI
It's morning and 3 Ladies are in different stages of getting ready for the Sunday morning
KEMI: (Knock Knock) Nkechi!!! Are you still sleeping? Get up jare!
NKECHI: Leave me alone! I want to sleep
KEMI: Get up o! When I was telling you to let us leave the club early last night, you were using your yansh to do krukere on that Aristole's thing at the AUTO LOUNGE. So get up oo
NKECHI: You are just jealous because you were not the one he liked.
KEMI: Me jealous? Of that shapeless round pig? God forbid!
NKECHI: (As the door opens) Don't abuse my man o!
KEMI: Hahaha! Your man indeed! Somebody you just danced with in a night club is your man..
NKECHI: Yes! Any man that gives me $1000 just for grinding against his john thomas is my man.
KEMI: Its a lie! He must be loaded. And I saw him first o!
NKECHI: Don't even start. He is mine.
KEMI: Does he know you are married?
NKECHI: You of all people know what I have can not be called marriage on any level!
KEMI: On what levels? You are MRS NKECHI MBADIWE. You Live in one of your husband's houses...
NKECHI: Make I heard wordu jare! Which useless house? How many times does he sleep in that house?
KEMI: I was just playing with you na. Is this how you want to start your Sunday? Quarrelling over a man that is not even worth it
NKECHI: You were the one that started it na.
KEMI: Ok oh! Sorry. So what's are we sharing? The guy or the money?
NKECHI: I will give you 200 dollars. And the guy is a no go area.
KEMI: HABA!!! Out of a whole 1k dollars?
NKECHI: You want more? Am I your smallie? Ok... Because you invited me, I will give you 300. And thats all. Na me dance and na me blow the guy...
KEMI: You what?!!!!
NKECHI: Whats what? I had to na. Since I said I couldn't go to his hotel with him as we had just met. And I was not safe.
KEMI: What?!!! Nkechiiii...
NKECHI: Na wetin na?
KEMI: So that was what you were doing when you entered that Rolls Royce! I bow to you o! So tell me what else happened?
Just as Nkechi was preping to talk... Another door opens down the hallway
NKECHI: You no tell me say Amina dey around? Why didn't she come with us yesterday?
KEMI: It's not Amina. They are her smallies from out of town. She arranges them for all those Alhajis
NKECHI: It's a lie!
KEMI: What's the lie there? (She lowers her voice to a whisper) She makes a kill from that racket.
A young lady, Mabel, in an undersized NYSC top worn over a-too-small-to-be-bum shorts bum shorts emerged from the hallway into the living room.
MABEL: Good morning Aunty Kay
KEMI: Morning sexy, you look hot!
MABEL: Thank you ma. ( she turned to Nkechi and smiled) Good morning ma.
KEMI: Mabel, I bet you have not met my friend, Aunty Nkechi?
NKECHI: Stop that Kemi, my name is Nkechi. Nice meeting you.
MABEL: Morning ma. (rubbing her stomach) Aunty, I'm going to fix breakfast. What would you like to eat?
KEMI: Oh! Shit!!! I forgot I went shopping yesterday. All the things are in the back seat of the M-Class.
MABEL: Aunty let me get them (she starts towards the front door)
KEMI: Get what? Dressed like that? You want to kill our co-tenants? ABEG o!
NKECHI: What haven't people seen before? What if she were at a beach? ABEG go and bring the things my dear. I am very hungry.
Mabel smiled and winked at Kemi as she opened the door and dashed out to get the shopping bags.
KEMI: Don't encourage the young girl o.. (door opens again)
MABEL: Sorry, Aunty, where is the car key?
KEMI: Where did I drop that key again ooooooooooooo! Yes! Check my dressing table. It's the key with the LV key chain.
The two big babes watched her strut her Stuff across the living room to go get the key, as she half walked and half hurried out of sight into he bedrooms corridor... The shaking caught their eyes.
NKECHI: Chineke!!!!! Nigerian men are in trouble.
KEMI: This is nothing. If you see the other two friends they can make you think of being a lesbian.
NKECHI: Talk true. And they are all young like this Mabel girl?
KEMI: Noooo, younger, finer and more carefree....
MABEL: Is it this one?
KEMI: Yes dear, thanks... Your friends nko?
MABEL: AAHH! They have serious issues. One is drunk and the other said she met her match yesterday... When you people left that other club, we just stayed there and it was good we stayed... AUNTY let me bring the things in first so I can give you the full gist.
KEMI: OYA hurry. Come and tell me everything. So we missed ABI?
MABEL: As in... !!! ( She left the exclamation hanging as she rolled off towards the door and aware that four admiring, nearly jealous sets of eyes were on her bum. She didn't need to look back to confirm. AUNTY Kemi had hit on her before.)
NKECHI: Odiegwuuuu! If these girl handle any man, the man go just abandon him wife
KEMI: It doesn't follow like that o! It's not by having assets o. It's what you can do with what you have. Some babes have everything and a LEPA will lock down their guy like he is under house arrest... Ehen, leave these smallies, abeg tell me jare, did you get him to...
NKECHI: No. He was nearly there when someone tapped on the window to say they should start going. He just counted the dough and put it in my bra. I was about...
The door opened and it was Mabel returning with all the stuff from the car.
KEMI: Thanks honey pie... Do you need a hand?
MABEL: I'm good... What of the Vodka and Irish cream?
KEMI: In my car? ( Mabel nodded) don't remember buying any drinks. (she gazed at the ceiling and snapped her fingers) Now I remember. My driver was supposed to drop them for Chief in his office, but he said when he got there he saw that old witch called his wife and he came back with them. Will send them to him on Monday
NKECHI: What was she doing in the office? Thought you said she was not allowed in his office. Some women won't respect their age.
KEMI: Don't mind the old fool. She doesn't know that if it were not for me these Lagos girls would have since snatched and kept him. All the housewives don't know what selfless service a serious babe renders that keeps the marriage they brag about, together. If not for me Chief would have had nothing less than 7 kids outside matrimony.
NKECHI: If not for you... I don't understand.
KEMI: So you didn't hear that chief made me remove a pregnancy because he was going to be Knighted in the Catholic Church and he didn't want a scandal? So I obliged. And they were twins. Now he owes me for life. I am a staff of his company SEF. I'm a legit ghost worker. So he can't let me catch him trying nonsense with all these small small girls all around.
NKECHI: Otuotsha!!!! You don't say! Can you beat that? So what is your monthly salary? I hope you are a director at large.
KEMI: Hahaha! Director ke? I am co-owner o! I am on a monthly salary of N2m. And that is not just for being his girlfriend o! I was the one that helped arrange the facility that he set up his business with. I was also part of the debt recovery committee hat wrote it off as part of our bad loans. So if you check am I have more rights to that office than his wife SEF.
Breakfast is ready!!! It was Mabel.
They moved to the dining table.
KEMI: Ok. Are your friends not joining us?
0
MABEL: AUNTY, please leave them let them sleep and rest. We have a thanksgiving party to attend this afternoon and a birthday party at Eko Hotel later tonight.
KEMI: WOW!! So when are you guys going to get some rest?
MABEL: Rest ke? AUNTY!!! Haven't you heard Aunty Amina say no food for lazy man?
NKECHI: (Feeling left out of the convo joined in) That's true my sister. Make the money girlfriend.
KEMI: When did Amina say she will be back?
MABEL: This afternoon. I saw her driver cleaning her car when I went out to bring the things from the car.
NKECHI: Did he see you looking like this?
MABEL: Aunty he can only look. If he thinks about this whole package he will just die. This is way and above his dreams... Do you want sausages too, Aunty Nkechi?
As the sausages were being placed on Nkechi's plate, the two sleeping beauties emerged from the room.
Pamela and Esohe, were very good friends. They practically did everything together. Everything.
MORNING!!!! They both chorused.
PAMELA: I am so so tired. Yesterday was off the shizzle!
ESOHE: Easy for you to say. How I wish you were the one that got the maniac! He must have been a horse in his former life. Osonobua! I pity his wife.
PAMELA: And to think I nearly fell for him... God likes me o!
KEMI AND NKECHI: (laughed)
ESOHE: Just leave God out of this. You were just lucky. I am sure if you were not dancing Azonto with that wanna be musician, the randy orobo addicted idiot would have picked you. I saw it in his eyes. I just thought he had class. How I wish it's possible to know from just looking at a guy.
MABEL: It's ok girls. Finish your food and go clean up the room... AUNTY Amina would soon ArrIve o! I can't shout.
The two young and restless girls quickly finished their food and and got up from the table... Turned and headed to the room. Beautiful girls, thought Nkechi. Yummie! Thought Kemi. Stubborn and badly behaved girls thought Mabel.
Soon as they were out of sight...
KEMI: EHEN! Our gist nko?
NKECHI: Yes o! Let's hear it.
MANDY: That's true. Let me first clear the dishes.
NOOOOOOOOO! Chorused the aunties. And all three ladies bust into hearty laughter.
MABEL: Anyway, as I was saying that time, when you guys left us at Number10, we were just dancing with ourselves. Then from nowhere so many girls started arriving. Aparrently, gist had gone round that some big boys were upstairs on the VIP floor. This was about 3am.
KEMI: That was about when we left Auto lounge too. (she half asked Nkechi who nodded in agreement)
MABEL: Thats true. I even tried to reach you. Wanted to tell you guys to pick us if you were heading home. And also to help me buy that Auto Lounge ASUUN.. Anyway, there was this guy, heard he was into oil and just got this big deal and his subsidy was in billions. So he sent the manager to come call us. Pamela, ESOHE and I. So we went up. When we got up the stairs, that was when we knew that it was an exclusive party. We must have been like 10 girls in all...
PAMELA: May!!!! It's AUNTY Amina...
All they could make out from this side of the phone call were a few English words. The rest were in Hausa. Though not Hausa, Mabel a TIV girl spoke it fluently. So while waiting for the gist to continue, Nkechi, as expected, got worried about where the gist was going.
MABEL: Will give him the 10 thousand now. Would you like to eat anything when you get back?... Ok. Bye.
She excused the two aunties, dashed to get the money for the driver from the room. Came back out, went through the front door and called the driver... "ISIAKA!!!!" Yes ma! came the reply. After a few instructions the front door opened and closed.
MABEL: EHEN! Where did I stop?
NKECHI: You stopped at how many girls where there... Who were these guys?
MABEL: Several big boys. So one of them said he liked my maturity and how reserved I was and he said I should come sit by him. I then Noticed he had lipstick stains on the zip area of his jeans. So I pretended to be angry and got up. He then sent the manager of the club to come beg me. When I went back, he then told me it was nothing serious. That there was this prostitute he met at Auto Lounge who offered to blow him for $1000 and he wanted to just experience it...
NKECHI: But you knew he was lying...
MABEL: What's my own? Whether he was lying or not didnt matter. I just turned it to my advantage. When he dropped us off at 6am I made him promise not to disrespect me like that again. He gave me $10,000 and I got 3 thousand each for my friends.
KEMI: Now that's my girl! You have that guy on the lock down!
NKECHI: MEN ARE PIGS!
A 4 Bedroom Duplex in Parkview, IKOYI
It's morning and 3 Ladies are in different stages of getting ready for the Sunday morning
KEMI: (Knock Knock) Nkechi!!! Are you still sleeping? Get up jare!
NKECHI: Leave me alone! I want to sleep
KEMI: Get up o! When I was telling you to let us leave the club early last night, you were using your yansh to do krukere on that Aristole's thing at the AUTO LOUNGE. So get up oo
NKECHI: You are just jealous because you were not the one he liked.
KEMI: Me jealous? Of that shapeless round pig? God forbid!
NKECHI: (As the door opens) Don't abuse my man o!
KEMI: Hahaha! Your man indeed! Somebody you just danced with in a night club is your man..
NKECHI: Yes! Any man that gives me $1000 just for grinding against his john thomas is my man.
KEMI: Its a lie! He must be loaded. And I saw him first o!
NKECHI: Don't even start. He is mine.
KEMI: Does he know you are married?
NKECHI: You of all people know what I have can not be called marriage on any level!
KEMI: On what levels? You are MRS NKECHI MBADIWE. You Live in one of your husband's houses...
NKECHI: Make I heard wordu jare! Which useless house? How many times does he sleep in that house?
KEMI: I was just playing with you na. Is this how you want to start your Sunday? Quarrelling over a man that is not even worth it
NKECHI: You were the one that started it na.
KEMI: Ok oh! Sorry. So what's are we sharing? The guy or the money?
NKECHI: I will give you 200 dollars. And the guy is a no go area.
KEMI: HABA!!! Out of a whole 1k dollars?
NKECHI: You want more? Am I your smallie? Ok... Because you invited me, I will give you 300. And thats all. Na me dance and na me blow the guy...
KEMI: You what?!!!!
NKECHI: Whats what? I had to na. Since I said I couldn't go to his hotel with him as we had just met. And I was not safe.
KEMI: What?!!! Nkechiiii...
NKECHI: Na wetin na?
KEMI: So that was what you were doing when you entered that Rolls Royce! I bow to you o! So tell me what else happened?
Just as Nkechi was preping to talk... Another door opens down the hallway
NKECHI: You no tell me say Amina dey around? Why didn't she come with us yesterday?
KEMI: It's not Amina. They are her smallies from out of town. She arranges them for all those Alhajis
NKECHI: It's a lie!
KEMI: What's the lie there? (She lowers her voice to a whisper) She makes a kill from that racket.
A young lady, Mabel, in an undersized NYSC top worn over a-too-small-to-be-bum shorts bum shorts emerged from the hallway into the living room.
MABEL: Good morning Aunty Kay
KEMI: Morning sexy, you look hot!
MABEL: Thank you ma. ( she turned to Nkechi and smiled) Good morning ma.
KEMI: Mabel, I bet you have not met my friend, Aunty Nkechi?
NKECHI: Stop that Kemi, my name is Nkechi. Nice meeting you.
MABEL: Morning ma. (rubbing her stomach) Aunty, I'm going to fix breakfast. What would you like to eat?
KEMI: Oh! Shit!!! I forgot I went shopping yesterday. All the things are in the back seat of the M-Class.
MABEL: Aunty let me get them (she starts towards the front door)
KEMI: Get what? Dressed like that? You want to kill our co-tenants? ABEG o!
NKECHI: What haven't people seen before? What if she were at a beach? ABEG go and bring the things my dear. I am very hungry.
Mabel smiled and winked at Kemi as she opened the door and dashed out to get the shopping bags.
KEMI: Don't encourage the young girl o.. (door opens again)
MABEL: Sorry, Aunty, where is the car key?
KEMI: Where did I drop that key again ooooooooooooo! Yes! Check my dressing table. It's the key with the LV key chain.
The two big babes watched her strut her Stuff across the living room to go get the key, as she half walked and half hurried out of sight into he bedrooms corridor... The shaking caught their eyes.
NKECHI: Chineke!!!!! Nigerian men are in trouble.
KEMI: This is nothing. If you see the other two friends they can make you think of being a lesbian.
NKECHI: Talk true. And they are all young like this Mabel girl?
KEMI: Noooo, younger, finer and more carefree....
MABEL: Is it this one?
KEMI: Yes dear, thanks... Your friends nko?
MABEL: AAHH! They have serious issues. One is drunk and the other said she met her match yesterday... When you people left that other club, we just stayed there and it was good we stayed... AUNTY let me bring the things in first so I can give you the full gist.
KEMI: OYA hurry. Come and tell me everything. So we missed ABI?
MABEL: As in... !!! ( She left the exclamation hanging as she rolled off towards the door and aware that four admiring, nearly jealous sets of eyes were on her bum. She didn't need to look back to confirm. AUNTY Kemi had hit on her before.)
NKECHI: Odiegwuuuu! If these girl handle any man, the man go just abandon him wife
KEMI: It doesn't follow like that o! It's not by having assets o. It's what you can do with what you have. Some babes have everything and a LEPA will lock down their guy like he is under house arrest... Ehen, leave these smallies, abeg tell me jare, did you get him to...
NKECHI: No. He was nearly there when someone tapped on the window to say they should start going. He just counted the dough and put it in my bra. I was about...
The door opened and it was Mabel returning with all the stuff from the car.
KEMI: Thanks honey pie... Do you need a hand?
MABEL: I'm good... What of the Vodka and Irish cream?
KEMI: In my car? ( Mabel nodded) don't remember buying any drinks. (she gazed at the ceiling and snapped her fingers) Now I remember. My driver was supposed to drop them for Chief in his office, but he said when he got there he saw that old witch called his wife and he came back with them. Will send them to him on Monday
NKECHI: What was she doing in the office? Thought you said she was not allowed in his office. Some women won't respect their age.
KEMI: Don't mind the old fool. She doesn't know that if it were not for me these Lagos girls would have since snatched and kept him. All the housewives don't know what selfless service a serious babe renders that keeps the marriage they brag about, together. If not for me Chief would have had nothing less than 7 kids outside matrimony.
NKECHI: If not for you... I don't understand.
KEMI: So you didn't hear that chief made me remove a pregnancy because he was going to be Knighted in the Catholic Church and he didn't want a scandal? So I obliged. And they were twins. Now he owes me for life. I am a staff of his company SEF. I'm a legit ghost worker. So he can't let me catch him trying nonsense with all these small small girls all around.
NKECHI: Otuotsha!!!! You don't say! Can you beat that? So what is your monthly salary? I hope you are a director at large.
KEMI: Hahaha! Director ke? I am co-owner o! I am on a monthly salary of N2m. And that is not just for being his girlfriend o! I was the one that helped arrange the facility that he set up his business with. I was also part of the debt recovery committee hat wrote it off as part of our bad loans. So if you check am I have more rights to that office than his wife SEF.
Breakfast is ready!!! It was Mabel.
They moved to the dining table.
KEMI: Ok. Are your friends not joining us?
0
MABEL: AUNTY, please leave them let them sleep and rest. We have a thanksgiving party to attend this afternoon and a birthday party at Eko Hotel later tonight.
KEMI: WOW!! So when are you guys going to get some rest?
MABEL: Rest ke? AUNTY!!! Haven't you heard Aunty Amina say no food for lazy man?
NKECHI: (Feeling left out of the convo joined in) That's true my sister. Make the money girlfriend.
KEMI: When did Amina say she will be back?
MABEL: This afternoon. I saw her driver cleaning her car when I went out to bring the things from the car.
NKECHI: Did he see you looking like this?
MABEL: Aunty he can only look. If he thinks about this whole package he will just die. This is way and above his dreams... Do you want sausages too, Aunty Nkechi?
As the sausages were being placed on Nkechi's plate, the two sleeping beauties emerged from the room.
Pamela and Esohe, were very good friends. They practically did everything together. Everything.
MORNING!!!! They both chorused.
PAMELA: I am so so tired. Yesterday was off the shizzle!
ESOHE: Easy for you to say. How I wish you were the one that got the maniac! He must have been a horse in his former life. Osonobua! I pity his wife.
PAMELA: And to think I nearly fell for him... God likes me o!
KEMI AND NKECHI: (laughed)
ESOHE: Just leave God out of this. You were just lucky. I am sure if you were not dancing Azonto with that wanna be musician, the randy orobo addicted idiot would have picked you. I saw it in his eyes. I just thought he had class. How I wish it's possible to know from just looking at a guy.
MABEL: It's ok girls. Finish your food and go clean up the room... AUNTY Amina would soon ArrIve o! I can't shout.
The two young and restless girls quickly finished their food and and got up from the table... Turned and headed to the room. Beautiful girls, thought Nkechi. Yummie! Thought Kemi. Stubborn and badly behaved girls thought Mabel.
Soon as they were out of sight...
KEMI: EHEN! Our gist nko?
NKECHI: Yes o! Let's hear it.
MANDY: That's true. Let me first clear the dishes.
NOOOOOOOOO! Chorused the aunties. And all three ladies bust into hearty laughter.
MABEL: Anyway, as I was saying that time, when you guys left us at Number10, we were just dancing with ourselves. Then from nowhere so many girls started arriving. Aparrently, gist had gone round that some big boys were upstairs on the VIP floor. This was about 3am.
KEMI: That was about when we left Auto lounge too. (she half asked Nkechi who nodded in agreement)
MABEL: Thats true. I even tried to reach you. Wanted to tell you guys to pick us if you were heading home. And also to help me buy that Auto Lounge ASUUN.. Anyway, there was this guy, heard he was into oil and just got this big deal and his subsidy was in billions. So he sent the manager to come call us. Pamela, ESOHE and I. So we went up. When we got up the stairs, that was when we knew that it was an exclusive party. We must have been like 10 girls in all...
PAMELA: May!!!! It's AUNTY Amina...
All they could make out from this side of the phone call were a few English words. The rest were in Hausa. Though not Hausa, Mabel a TIV girl spoke it fluently. So while waiting for the gist to continue, Nkechi, as expected, got worried about where the gist was going.
MABEL: Will give him the 10 thousand now. Would you like to eat anything when you get back?... Ok. Bye.
She excused the two aunties, dashed to get the money for the driver from the room. Came back out, went through the front door and called the driver... "ISIAKA!!!!" Yes ma! came the reply. After a few instructions the front door opened and closed.
MABEL: EHEN! Where did I stop?
NKECHI: You stopped at how many girls where there... Who were these guys?
MABEL: Several big boys. So one of them said he liked my maturity and how reserved I was and he said I should come sit by him. I then Noticed he had lipstick stains on the zip area of his jeans. So I pretended to be angry and got up. He then sent the manager of the club to come beg me. When I went back, he then told me it was nothing serious. That there was this prostitute he met at Auto Lounge who offered to blow him for $1000 and he wanted to just experience it...
NKECHI: But you knew he was lying...
MABEL: What's my own? Whether he was lying or not didnt matter. I just turned it to my advantage. When he dropped us off at 6am I made him promise not to disrespect me like that again. He gave me $10,000 and I got 3 thousand each for my friends.
KEMI: Now that's my girl! You have that guy on the lock down!
NKECHI: MEN ARE PIGS!
Saturday, 30 June 2012
HAND SIGNALS (part 1/2)
Ever wondered why hand made items attract more in the area of cost than machine fabricated products? Have you? You haven't. Sorry. I have. And its not just the price that makes such hand made products so expensive. Amongst many other things, it's because of the personal touch, the time put in and painstaking effort that went into making whatever the product is. Besides cost, method and process of production, the bragging rights of a hand made product is pairless.
The whole world was made by the Holy hands of Almighty God. As reported in the story of creation. And even an atheist will say what a beautiful world we have. Even if he disagrees on the author. Nevertheless, the Hand of God, that made this world is different from that hand of god Maradona scored with during that WORLD CUP back then. That was the hand of fraud... Maybe, just maybe, he actually, said hand of fraud. You know Maradona's English Language is suspect. And the journalists reported it like it sounded. And when he heard it reported as the hand of God, the akamu just lapped it up. Who won't? Especially to someone like him.
Wait a minute o, did I hear that Farouk Lawal said he sees the hand of God in the Petroleum Subsidy bribery scandal? Some people no dey fear sha. Can any of these politician try that kind of lie with Aiyelala, SANGO or Amadioha... If his neck will not bend to one side like a car with a bad chassis? God is all forgiving o!
Politicians, particularly those elected, not the selected ones, have a way of claiming they saw the hand of God in an election they clearly rigged. Can't that be counted as blasphemy. Ok let's say first degree blasphemy. Because, it's gone beyond lying since it has deprived the right person his or her mandate. Funny thing is most of those whole claim this fraudulent hand of God in their victories end getting caught up with their hands in the public till. Which explians why some end up with handcuffs soon after they handover the instrument of the states they have manhandled. The northerners, I must agree, have a better way of dealing with people with sticky fingers. Yes! Those ten digits attached to the palm. Which is why one does not know whether the Northern governors have an alliance or treaty that ships the de-handed citizens of their states to Lagos to beg for handouts!
I would be the first to admit that not all the northern governors, or in deed any governor or politician for that matter, have sticky hands. Some have aradite hands. Once they lay their hands on power, they never want anyone else to touch it. They make sure all hands are on deck to ensure they get the second term or another political office in the case of those who have completed the two terms handed them by the constitution. In recent times, though they have only but tried, attempts have been made to lay their filthy hands on the third term the constitution clearly says otiooooo to... As fate would have it, all hands that tried got burnt. Now that's the HAND OF GOD!
On the other hand, people who have tried and gotten away with turning back the hands of time and used their blood stained hands to cover their eyes from seeing the pains people suffered in the hands of foot soldiers who do their biddings. In the end, when they refuse to handover to a democratically elected government of the people and fail to see the handwriting on the wall, they end up being dealt with by the hands of the Almighty God. Abacha, Ghadaffi, Mubarak, Charles Taylor... No need to go into how God handed them their fate in his own time. Isi owo OLUWA niyen.
Come to think of it, must every politician who elected by the hand of the people or by the handle of a gun end up being caught with their hands in the public purse? Can't they just serve and leave there with clean hands? I know a handful who did just that (not stain their hands) and I can count such people on the fingers on my hands. Very few! Trust me, when it comes to dipping hands into the public coffers, some politicians become ambidextrous. They chop it with double hands.
Shameful as it may sound, some politicians and rich people whose destinies have been lifted by the hands of God, lose focus and become pedophiles. How else would you explain the craving of a grown man, old enough to be a grand father, or even old enough to give a little girl's hand out in marriage when she comes to a marriageable age, now being the one asking for the hand of an under 11 in marriage? Is that not falling of hand? MSCHEEEEW!
While the wealth of the nation is in the hands of a few, it's sad to see people still living from hand to mouth. Or surviving on handouts called salaries while bribery goes on from hand to hand amongst the people we handed our communal purse to handle. Some of the politicians are paid so much, compared to those who really do the hard work... Its daylight robbery. And when these same electorate shout out, their shouts are drowned by their paid hands who are experts at explaining away all the underhand practices or just with the wave of a hand. Sadly, and this is what beats my reasoning hands down, next elections the same people will come and handout peanuts to a handful and get a chance to deep their hands again into the public pool. The real people who want to serve the people get beaten hands down at the polls because they have nothing to put in the hands of the voters who have now become "money for hand back for ground" electorate.
Even when I ply my handwork as an MC and have to introduce politicians or public servants, I cut the crap and go straight to their names and office. I'm usually not in the mood to hand out any praise as if Im unaware of the poor services they are delivering with the ticket to serve we handed them. Dont get me wrong o, those deserving know I will say so. And when I say "Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for so so and so..." He may be undeserving of it, but my event may not the platform to discuss their score card. The matter at hand is the show and when it comes to the show... I'm hands on. All hands are on deck to make sure the show is a success. No diggidy. Don't even go into the morality of "so why do it?". The newspapers, television, radio, event centres etc provide a service. So don't hold no moral high ground with me. I have not heard a newspaper house or media outfit say, "No we can't take that!" But I must hand it to fearless columnists SHA
There are some politicians and those in government, though few, who have proven themselves worthy of praise and whose hand work and reputation speak for. Anytime these select few attend events, an MC often doesnt need to ask the audience to put their hands together, automatically every bodies' hands goes up... And they stay there... And they stay there... These select group are those some other upright people still look up to when they say all is not lost. And we must hand it to these few. It's not easy keeping your respect and achievements in tact when swimming with sharks. Trust me. There are sharks out there in the political ocean. A lot of whom you once in a while come close to giving the middle finger or just a bottombelle waka! But then again, when you see them at events or public places, you still bring out your hand and shake them in spite of all.
However, before you finish reading this piece and think that it is all about politicians and go off thinking Ali Baba must really be miffed about some of these politicians. Let me just tell you, I am. So yes, I said it. Bet some who can read are reading it now. Those who get upset at this piece are exactly those my hand is pointing at. I'm not pointing a finger. I am pointing all digits so no one tries that get out of jail card that the guilty dangle always... If you point a finger, all other fingers point back at you crap. All ten fingers at the X spot!
I will be the first to agree that my hand has been heavy on the politicians... So I will let them be for now. Just for now. But not without pointing out that, I am yet to see a pastor lay hands to cure the spirit of greed, bribery, corruption and maladministration.
Or is it only fornication, adultery, lies, lust and backsliding that are sins before God? What about stealing, corruption, bribery, political lies, Aristole activities, low quality and non completed of contracts, political killings, election rigging... When are we going to see altar calls by pastors in these regards? Call them out. Or are politicians exempted from altar calls. How many sermons are directed at these influential people? Na commoners only some pastors mouth DEY sharp. Abegi!
In any case, it's important to know this piece may be heavy and that you don't look at it as too long. Rather see it as something you have been dying to say and I just lent you a helping hand. So breathe iiiinnnnnnnnnn.... Out!
Would have said more... But my hands are tied up with work.
So this is where I drop the pen and hands up!
The whole world was made by the Holy hands of Almighty God. As reported in the story of creation. And even an atheist will say what a beautiful world we have. Even if he disagrees on the author. Nevertheless, the Hand of God, that made this world is different from that hand of god Maradona scored with during that WORLD CUP back then. That was the hand of fraud... Maybe, just maybe, he actually, said hand of fraud. You know Maradona's English Language is suspect. And the journalists reported it like it sounded. And when he heard it reported as the hand of God, the akamu just lapped it up. Who won't? Especially to someone like him.
Wait a minute o, did I hear that Farouk Lawal said he sees the hand of God in the Petroleum Subsidy bribery scandal? Some people no dey fear sha. Can any of these politician try that kind of lie with Aiyelala, SANGO or Amadioha... If his neck will not bend to one side like a car with a bad chassis? God is all forgiving o!
Politicians, particularly those elected, not the selected ones, have a way of claiming they saw the hand of God in an election they clearly rigged. Can't that be counted as blasphemy. Ok let's say first degree blasphemy. Because, it's gone beyond lying since it has deprived the right person his or her mandate. Funny thing is most of those whole claim this fraudulent hand of God in their victories end getting caught up with their hands in the public till. Which explians why some end up with handcuffs soon after they handover the instrument of the states they have manhandled. The northerners, I must agree, have a better way of dealing with people with sticky fingers. Yes! Those ten digits attached to the palm. Which is why one does not know whether the Northern governors have an alliance or treaty that ships the de-handed citizens of their states to Lagos to beg for handouts!
I would be the first to admit that not all the northern governors, or in deed any governor or politician for that matter, have sticky hands. Some have aradite hands. Once they lay their hands on power, they never want anyone else to touch it. They make sure all hands are on deck to ensure they get the second term or another political office in the case of those who have completed the two terms handed them by the constitution. In recent times, though they have only but tried, attempts have been made to lay their filthy hands on the third term the constitution clearly says otiooooo to... As fate would have it, all hands that tried got burnt. Now that's the HAND OF GOD!
On the other hand, people who have tried and gotten away with turning back the hands of time and used their blood stained hands to cover their eyes from seeing the pains people suffered in the hands of foot soldiers who do their biddings. In the end, when they refuse to handover to a democratically elected government of the people and fail to see the handwriting on the wall, they end up being dealt with by the hands of the Almighty God. Abacha, Ghadaffi, Mubarak, Charles Taylor... No need to go into how God handed them their fate in his own time. Isi owo OLUWA niyen.
Come to think of it, must every politician who elected by the hand of the people or by the handle of a gun end up being caught with their hands in the public purse? Can't they just serve and leave there with clean hands? I know a handful who did just that (not stain their hands) and I can count such people on the fingers on my hands. Very few! Trust me, when it comes to dipping hands into the public coffers, some politicians become ambidextrous. They chop it with double hands.
Shameful as it may sound, some politicians and rich people whose destinies have been lifted by the hands of God, lose focus and become pedophiles. How else would you explain the craving of a grown man, old enough to be a grand father, or even old enough to give a little girl's hand out in marriage when she comes to a marriageable age, now being the one asking for the hand of an under 11 in marriage? Is that not falling of hand? MSCHEEEEW!
While the wealth of the nation is in the hands of a few, it's sad to see people still living from hand to mouth. Or surviving on handouts called salaries while bribery goes on from hand to hand amongst the people we handed our communal purse to handle. Some of the politicians are paid so much, compared to those who really do the hard work... Its daylight robbery. And when these same electorate shout out, their shouts are drowned by their paid hands who are experts at explaining away all the underhand practices or just with the wave of a hand. Sadly, and this is what beats my reasoning hands down, next elections the same people will come and handout peanuts to a handful and get a chance to deep their hands again into the public pool. The real people who want to serve the people get beaten hands down at the polls because they have nothing to put in the hands of the voters who have now become "money for hand back for ground" electorate.
Even when I ply my handwork as an MC and have to introduce politicians or public servants, I cut the crap and go straight to their names and office. I'm usually not in the mood to hand out any praise as if Im unaware of the poor services they are delivering with the ticket to serve we handed them. Dont get me wrong o, those deserving know I will say so. And when I say "Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for so so and so..." He may be undeserving of it, but my event may not the platform to discuss their score card. The matter at hand is the show and when it comes to the show... I'm hands on. All hands are on deck to make sure the show is a success. No diggidy. Don't even go into the morality of "so why do it?". The newspapers, television, radio, event centres etc provide a service. So don't hold no moral high ground with me. I have not heard a newspaper house or media outfit say, "No we can't take that!" But I must hand it to fearless columnists SHA
There are some politicians and those in government, though few, who have proven themselves worthy of praise and whose hand work and reputation speak for. Anytime these select few attend events, an MC often doesnt need to ask the audience to put their hands together, automatically every bodies' hands goes up... And they stay there... And they stay there... These select group are those some other upright people still look up to when they say all is not lost. And we must hand it to these few. It's not easy keeping your respect and achievements in tact when swimming with sharks. Trust me. There are sharks out there in the political ocean. A lot of whom you once in a while come close to giving the middle finger or just a bottombelle waka! But then again, when you see them at events or public places, you still bring out your hand and shake them in spite of all.
However, before you finish reading this piece and think that it is all about politicians and go off thinking Ali Baba must really be miffed about some of these politicians. Let me just tell you, I am. So yes, I said it. Bet some who can read are reading it now. Those who get upset at this piece are exactly those my hand is pointing at. I'm not pointing a finger. I am pointing all digits so no one tries that get out of jail card that the guilty dangle always... If you point a finger, all other fingers point back at you crap. All ten fingers at the X spot!
I will be the first to agree that my hand has been heavy on the politicians... So I will let them be for now. Just for now. But not without pointing out that, I am yet to see a pastor lay hands to cure the spirit of greed, bribery, corruption and maladministration.
Or is it only fornication, adultery, lies, lust and backsliding that are sins before God? What about stealing, corruption, bribery, political lies, Aristole activities, low quality and non completed of contracts, political killings, election rigging... When are we going to see altar calls by pastors in these regards? Call them out. Or are politicians exempted from altar calls. How many sermons are directed at these influential people? Na commoners only some pastors mouth DEY sharp. Abegi!
In any case, it's important to know this piece may be heavy and that you don't look at it as too long. Rather see it as something you have been dying to say and I just lent you a helping hand. So breathe iiiinnnnnnnnnn.... Out!
Would have said more... But my hands are tied up with work.
So this is where I drop the pen and hands up!
Friday, 29 June 2012
OF NAILS AND CARPENTERS
In the New Testament, the books by the disciples chronicled the life, teachings and death of Jesus Christ. It is this death, that forms the basis of the faith that is called Chriatianity today. If Jesus Christ did not die on the cross we all would have been in serious gbege! Fortunately for us and may be unfortunately for him (going by him asking God if this cup could pass over him and God said NO (does that qualify as isho?), that sinless blood of the Lamb Of God that taketh away the sins: the sins of the world ... came to our rescue and today to all who believe in him... There is salvation. The birth of Jesus was written from heaven but it's in his death that our names are written in the book of life in heaven.
How he died is no more news. Those movie buffs who have never, in their lives, read the bible, can give a blow by blow account of Jesus' death thanks to the many movies and stage plays of the crucifixion of Christ. One of such movies, that takes the cake in the different interpretation of the crucifixion is THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Many guys who carry on like they can never be moved to tears, wept like babies when they went to see the movie. Surprisingly, and for good reason, during the movie, a lot more guys found reasons to relate with the pains Jesus Christ went through. The false accusations, the betrayal, the humiliation, being called names, the crucifixion, the nails and the eventual death on the cross.
Jesus was nailed to the cross to die. And a crown of thorns driven onto his head in mockery of his claim to be the much awaited king of the Jews. He was whipped. Mocked. Spat on... He bled. He wept. He prayed. He begged God. And he died. All for our sins. A sinless man dying for the sins of the world. Sins that would not have existed if one certain human of the feminine kind just learnt not to talk to strangers.
Every guy that is worth his onions or any cooking ingredient for that matter, knows that these specie of human beings called women mean men no good. This is a given since the garden of Eden. A garden of peace, love, plenty, eternity, coexistence and spiritual tranquility. Then came a woman. End of discussion. I don't know if we would have been better, but, the over sabi of a woman and the inquisitive nature that always bothered on suspicion of the unknown and even the unnecessary, yes, the totally unnecessary brought us hence! What concerns you, a human being with talking with animals? Did weed smoking date that far back? To the point of disobeying God's simple instructions. EAT EVERYTHING ELSE, BUT THAT. Is it me or do women always want to bring up that which should not be brought up? Anyway that is a matter for another day.
Back to the crucifixion, why was Jesus nailed to the cross? Several reasons. Because it was written. Another reason was that he was found guilty by The Pilate (How much pile must you have to be a Pilate?). He was used to appease the people. He had to die so that men would have life everlasting. In other words, it was a given.
As in Christ the Son of Man, so it is in men the son of men. We get crucified for the things we did, about to do, didn't do, will do but yet to do, can't do, did but didn't do well,... Bebelo aka and so on and so forth. And as did the soldiers that crucified Jesus, so are the ladies of this world. They will give a guy the full compliments of the crucifix without blinking. In fact, some ladies, back in the days, were experts in nails with such accuracy that some guys' ego took time to heal. They (women) will give a guy that didn't weigh up to 60kg a 100kg bag of nails and leave him to bleed to death. In some cases some did. It took the grace of God to go through that nailing experience like a man.
Ironically, women, experts at nailing men, can not take a dose of what they dish out. Like all carpenters, women even cry the most when the favour is returned. If you don't know what I am saying then you are the carpenter. A woman who gives men nails on per second billing will cry to high heavens if a single nail is driven into her. Remember the story of Joseph and the woman He turned down in Egypt? HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED. I have had my share too. Trust me. Some ladies just think they are beyond NO. Some think because they are beautiful, rich, connected, popular or even for the single fact that they are asking... should make any man say "let's go there". Naaaa. All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
It's not a strange thing if you ever have seen a carpenter hammering a nail, miss the nail and hit his hand... It's usually the wrongest time to ask him anything. I used to have an uncle who enjoyed making the pain last longer. He would ask, "Did it hurt?" If looks could kill, my uncle would have been dead by now. In fact, one carpenter he invited to fix his bedroom door, that his wife made him break down, hit his hand while driving a nail in through the hole in the hinges... The carpenter couldn't take a joke, just packed his stuff and left when the hammer missed the nail and caught his forefinger. He didn't leave because of the pain, he left because of my uncle's stupid question. "Did that hurt?" Going by how angry he was, He would have given my uncle the middle finger but he was not so literate.
Sorry I digressed. Women are synonymous with nails. Long nails. Nails that hurt. Short nails. Where-did-that-come-from? nails. Who-send-you-come? nails. Slippers-get-size nails. You-are-not-my-type nails. What's-bringing-that-nonsense? nails. You-and-who? nails. Even the sacarstic its-not-your-fault nails. How about this all time favourite... YOU NO KNOW YOUR MATE! nails...
No matter the type of nails used, the intent is for it to quench the toasters ambition. And if its not a SHAKARA oloje nail, the more persistent a toaster gets, the longer the nails he gets. I know a guy who went to toast a babe in VGC, Lekki all the way from Ogba, Ikeja. The nails the babe arranged had spikes. We went in 2 cars. Cant tell you what brand of nails were used, because we were waiting outside in the second car, while our guy went in to do his thing... And dashed out few minutes later and sped off. We trialled his blood all the way from VGC to OKOSISI supermarket where we met him buying blood capsules and the 4 packs of Orheptal tonic. He lost blood. Talk of a man with the issue of blood. That's my guy.
Seriously, some ladies should be commended for creativity though. At least, if the nail is creatively presented, the pain would be there but still can let you see the nailer as intelligent and not razzzzz.
A lady once asked a younger guy chasing her, "where is your mother?" and the innocent guy said she is in Abuja. Needless to say that went over his head. I heard one told a guy, I am a lesbian for now, if I change my mind I will give you a call. He was about saying something when she added 'She would soon be here and she is a colonel...'
It would be unkind not to give credit to some guys who have grown thick skins to these nails. No matter the size, shape or form of these nails some guys take it all in and move on. That could be a lot of Acupunture if you ask me. Hello sweetie... Nails nails nails... Ok onto the next one. Hello angel...more nails... Move on.... Hi sugar... NAILS!!! Haven't I told you no already... Oops! Ok, move on. Without being rude, big ups guys. Keep up the spirit. A yes is on the way
And to all the winshy winshy babes remember those who live by the nails shall die by the nails!
How he died is no more news. Those movie buffs who have never, in their lives, read the bible, can give a blow by blow account of Jesus' death thanks to the many movies and stage plays of the crucifixion of Christ. One of such movies, that takes the cake in the different interpretation of the crucifixion is THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Many guys who carry on like they can never be moved to tears, wept like babies when they went to see the movie. Surprisingly, and for good reason, during the movie, a lot more guys found reasons to relate with the pains Jesus Christ went through. The false accusations, the betrayal, the humiliation, being called names, the crucifixion, the nails and the eventual death on the cross.
Jesus was nailed to the cross to die. And a crown of thorns driven onto his head in mockery of his claim to be the much awaited king of the Jews. He was whipped. Mocked. Spat on... He bled. He wept. He prayed. He begged God. And he died. All for our sins. A sinless man dying for the sins of the world. Sins that would not have existed if one certain human of the feminine kind just learnt not to talk to strangers.
Every guy that is worth his onions or any cooking ingredient for that matter, knows that these specie of human beings called women mean men no good. This is a given since the garden of Eden. A garden of peace, love, plenty, eternity, coexistence and spiritual tranquility. Then came a woman. End of discussion. I don't know if we would have been better, but, the over sabi of a woman and the inquisitive nature that always bothered on suspicion of the unknown and even the unnecessary, yes, the totally unnecessary brought us hence! What concerns you, a human being with talking with animals? Did weed smoking date that far back? To the point of disobeying God's simple instructions. EAT EVERYTHING ELSE, BUT THAT. Is it me or do women always want to bring up that which should not be brought up? Anyway that is a matter for another day.
Back to the crucifixion, why was Jesus nailed to the cross? Several reasons. Because it was written. Another reason was that he was found guilty by The Pilate (How much pile must you have to be a Pilate?). He was used to appease the people. He had to die so that men would have life everlasting. In other words, it was a given.
As in Christ the Son of Man, so it is in men the son of men. We get crucified for the things we did, about to do, didn't do, will do but yet to do, can't do, did but didn't do well,... Bebelo aka and so on and so forth. And as did the soldiers that crucified Jesus, so are the ladies of this world. They will give a guy the full compliments of the crucifix without blinking. In fact, some ladies, back in the days, were experts in nails with such accuracy that some guys' ego took time to heal. They (women) will give a guy that didn't weigh up to 60kg a 100kg bag of nails and leave him to bleed to death. In some cases some did. It took the grace of God to go through that nailing experience like a man.
Ironically, women, experts at nailing men, can not take a dose of what they dish out. Like all carpenters, women even cry the most when the favour is returned. If you don't know what I am saying then you are the carpenter. A woman who gives men nails on per second billing will cry to high heavens if a single nail is driven into her. Remember the story of Joseph and the woman He turned down in Egypt? HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED. I have had my share too. Trust me. Some ladies just think they are beyond NO. Some think because they are beautiful, rich, connected, popular or even for the single fact that they are asking... should make any man say "let's go there". Naaaa. All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
It's not a strange thing if you ever have seen a carpenter hammering a nail, miss the nail and hit his hand... It's usually the wrongest time to ask him anything. I used to have an uncle who enjoyed making the pain last longer. He would ask, "Did it hurt?" If looks could kill, my uncle would have been dead by now. In fact, one carpenter he invited to fix his bedroom door, that his wife made him break down, hit his hand while driving a nail in through the hole in the hinges... The carpenter couldn't take a joke, just packed his stuff and left when the hammer missed the nail and caught his forefinger. He didn't leave because of the pain, he left because of my uncle's stupid question. "Did that hurt?" Going by how angry he was, He would have given my uncle the middle finger but he was not so literate.
Sorry I digressed. Women are synonymous with nails. Long nails. Nails that hurt. Short nails. Where-did-that-come-from? nails. Who-send-you-come? nails. Slippers-get-size nails. You-are-not-my-type nails. What's-bringing-that-nonsense? nails. You-and-who? nails. Even the sacarstic its-not-your-fault nails. How about this all time favourite... YOU NO KNOW YOUR MATE! nails...
No matter the type of nails used, the intent is for it to quench the toasters ambition. And if its not a SHAKARA oloje nail, the more persistent a toaster gets, the longer the nails he gets. I know a guy who went to toast a babe in VGC, Lekki all the way from Ogba, Ikeja. The nails the babe arranged had spikes. We went in 2 cars. Cant tell you what brand of nails were used, because we were waiting outside in the second car, while our guy went in to do his thing... And dashed out few minutes later and sped off. We trialled his blood all the way from VGC to OKOSISI supermarket where we met him buying blood capsules and the 4 packs of Orheptal tonic. He lost blood. Talk of a man with the issue of blood. That's my guy.
Seriously, some ladies should be commended for creativity though. At least, if the nail is creatively presented, the pain would be there but still can let you see the nailer as intelligent and not razzzzz.
A lady once asked a younger guy chasing her, "where is your mother?" and the innocent guy said she is in Abuja. Needless to say that went over his head. I heard one told a guy, I am a lesbian for now, if I change my mind I will give you a call. He was about saying something when she added 'She would soon be here and she is a colonel...'
It would be unkind not to give credit to some guys who have grown thick skins to these nails. No matter the size, shape or form of these nails some guys take it all in and move on. That could be a lot of Acupunture if you ask me. Hello sweetie... Nails nails nails... Ok onto the next one. Hello angel...more nails... Move on.... Hi sugar... NAILS!!! Haven't I told you no already... Oops! Ok, move on. Without being rude, big ups guys. Keep up the spirit. A yes is on the way
And to all the winshy winshy babes remember those who live by the nails shall die by the nails!
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