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One Lagos Fiesta

One Lagos Fiesta

Friday, 29 June 2012

OF NAILS AND CARPENTERS

In the New Testament, the books by the disciples chronicled the life, teachings and death of Jesus Christ. It is this death, that forms the basis of the faith that is called Chriatianity today. If Jesus Christ did not die on the cross we all would have been in serious gbege! Fortunately for us and may be unfortunately for him (going by him asking God if this cup could pass over him and God said NO (does that qualify as isho?), that sinless blood of the Lamb Of God that taketh away the sins: the sins of the world ... came to our rescue and today to all who believe in him... There is salvation. The birth of Jesus was written from heaven but it's in his death that our names are written in the book of life in heaven.

How he died is no more news. Those movie buffs who have never, in their lives, read the bible, can give a blow by blow account of Jesus' death thanks to the many movies and stage plays of the crucifixion of Christ. One of such movies, that takes the cake in the different interpretation of the crucifixion is THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Many guys who carry on like they can never be moved to tears, wept like babies when they went to see the movie. Surprisingly, and for good reason, during the movie, a lot more guys found reasons to relate with the pains Jesus Christ went through. The false accusations, the betrayal, the humiliation, being called names, the crucifixion, the nails and the eventual death on the cross.


Jesus was nailed to the cross to die. And a crown of thorns driven onto his head in mockery of his claim to be the much awaited king of the Jews. He was whipped. Mocked. Spat on... He bled. He wept. He prayed. He begged God. And he died. All for our sins. A sinless man dying for the sins of the world. Sins that would not have existed if one certain human of the feminine kind just learnt not to talk to strangers.

Every guy that is worth his onions or any cooking ingredient for that matter, knows that these specie of human beings called women mean men no good. This is a given since the garden of Eden. A garden of peace, love, plenty, eternity, coexistence and spiritual tranquility. Then came a woman. End of discussion. I don't know if we would have been better, but, the over sabi of a woman and the inquisitive nature that always bothered on suspicion of the unknown and even the unnecessary, yes, the totally unnecessary brought us hence! What concerns you, a human being with talking with animals? Did weed smoking date that far back? To the point of disobeying God's simple instructions. EAT EVERYTHING ELSE, BUT THAT. Is it me or do women always want to bring up that which should not be brought up? Anyway that is a matter for another day.

Back to the crucifixion, why was Jesus nailed to the cross? Several reasons. Because it was written. Another reason was that he was found guilty by The Pilate (How much pile must you have to be a Pilate?). He was used to appease the people. He had to die so that men would have life everlasting. In other words, it was a given.

As in Christ the Son of Man, so it is in men the son of men. We get crucified for the things we did, about to do, didn't do, will do but yet to do, can't do, did but didn't do well,... Bebelo aka and so on and so forth. And as did the soldiers that crucified Jesus, so are the ladies of this world. They will give a guy the full compliments of the crucifix without blinking. In fact, some ladies, back in the days, were experts in nails with such accuracy that some guys' ego took time to heal. They (women) will give a guy that didn't weigh up to 60kg a 100kg bag of nails and leave him to bleed to death. In some cases some did. It took the grace of God to go through that nailing experience like a man.

Ironically, women, experts at nailing men, can not take a dose of what they dish out. Like all carpenters, women even cry the most when the favour is returned. If you don't know what I am saying then you are the carpenter. A woman who gives men nails on per second billing will cry to high heavens if a single nail is driven into her. Remember the story of Joseph and the woman He turned down in Egypt? HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED. I have had my share too. Trust me. Some ladies just think they are beyond NO. Some think because they are beautiful, rich, connected, popular or even for the single fact that they are asking... should make any man say "let's go there". Naaaa. All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.

It's not a strange thing if you ever have seen a carpenter hammering a nail, miss the nail and hit his hand... It's usually the wrongest time to ask him anything. I used to have an uncle who enjoyed making the pain last longer. He would ask, "Did it hurt?" If looks could kill, my uncle would have been dead by now. In fact, one carpenter he invited to fix his bedroom door, that his wife made him break down, hit his hand while driving a nail in through the hole in the hinges... The carpenter couldn't take a joke, just packed his stuff and left when the hammer missed the nail and caught his forefinger. He didn't leave because of the pain, he left because of my uncle's stupid question. "Did that hurt?" Going by how angry he was, He would have given my uncle the middle finger but he was not so literate.

Sorry I digressed. Women are synonymous with nails. Long nails. Nails that hurt. Short nails. Where-did-that-come-from? nails. Who-send-you-come? nails. Slippers-get-size nails. You-are-not-my-type nails. What's-bringing-that-nonsense? nails. You-and-who? nails. Even the sacarstic its-not-your-fault nails. How about this all time favourite... YOU NO KNOW YOUR MATE! nails...

No matter the type of nails used, the intent is for it to quench the toasters ambition. And if its not a SHAKARA oloje nail, the more persistent a toaster gets, the longer the nails he gets. I know a guy who went to toast a babe in VGC, Lekki all the way from Ogba, Ikeja. The nails the babe arranged had spikes. We went in 2 cars. Cant tell you what brand of nails were used, because we were waiting outside in the second car, while our guy went in to do his thing... And dashed out few minutes later and sped off. We trialled his blood all the way from VGC to OKOSISI supermarket where we met him buying blood capsules and the 4 packs of Orheptal tonic. He lost blood. Talk of a man with the issue of blood. That's my guy.

Seriously, some ladies should be commended for creativity though. At least, if the nail is creatively presented, the pain would be there but still can let you see the nailer as intelligent and not razzzzz.

A lady once asked a younger guy chasing her, "where is your mother?" and the innocent guy said she is in Abuja. Needless to say that went over his head. I heard one told a guy, I am a lesbian for now, if I change my mind I will give you a call. He was about saying something when she added 'She would soon be here and she is a colonel...'

It would be unkind not to give credit to some guys who have grown thick skins to these nails. No matter the size, shape or form of these nails some guys take it all in and move on. That could be a lot of Acupunture if you ask me. Hello sweetie... Nails nails nails... Ok onto the next one. Hello angel...more nails... Move on.... Hi sugar... NAILS!!! Haven't I told you no already... Oops! Ok, move on. Without being rude, big ups guys. Keep up the spirit. A yes is on the way

And to all the winshy winshy babes remember those who live by the nails shall die by the nails!

12 comments:

  1. Salute this post men!!! Accurately captured! Oya all the female voltrons will start talking!

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  2. Looool. Great stuff bros. Loool.

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  3. AlibabaGCFR, where did you grow up? I reserve my comments on this post. Lol

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  4. LMAO!!! This early morning.
    Bros na!!!!! Y???????? With all these nails sef, the men still end up spoiling/destroying things most times, you know we are very fragile. What do they want gan na, these men???? Having ladies in different area codes.
    It is from these many years of great deceit, suffering and battering from men the women have evolved(into what I cannot say, I guess it'll depend on location, dietary preference, culture, education, language e.t.c).
    BTW, sister Eve OFFERED brother Adam the apple, it was his CHOICE to eat it, abi beko? According to Gen 3:6 "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom...", What she was trying to do was PLEASE the man, Y did he leave her to go gather food ehn? That was what led to the fall.
    This whole matter is that of OFFER and ACCEPTANCE. If she say no, man too waka to avoid nails or apple. Shikena!

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  5. You see why it makes sense that both ADAM and EVE should go and gather food? If Adam had gone with Eve [or sent her on another route] we for no get this kain wahala now.
    But remember that EVERY CARPENTER WAS TRAINED - therefore every woman that gives out nails must have received at least one.
    Its a never ending circle bro!
    Great piece o!

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  6. More grease to the nailers abeg.. No time.. LOL!!!

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  7. I hail the Carpenters jare. Hope they keep it up.. If they don't give nails, they call them Bitch for being easy. They give nails, they are called bitch for being too stuck-up. I prefer a stuck-up babe over a cheap one any day.

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  8. Read ur bible very well, contrary to the report that Adam was away when Eve was tempted; na lie. He was there with her. Wonder y he didn't say anything to the serpert, considering the fact that it was him that had the discussion of not eating the fruit with God. But as usual, blame the woman....to support my claim, read this........' Genesis 3:6 KJV
    And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband WITH HER; and he did eat.'

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  9. In my opinion,some guys actually deserve the nails. Why go into a carpenter's workshop when you don't have business there?
    Stay away from the capentry shop n far away from the capenter if you don't have any genuine reasons to be there!

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  10. I sure hope ya post was just that, satire, sir! Misogyny isn't an attractive trait to have.

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