ONCE UPON A BAG

Watching people is my favourite hobby. Im not a peeping Tom by the usual understanding, but if you give me some thing to look at, in few minutes I can tell you a whole lot about what I have seen. I see beyond the object I see. Some people are very bad at judging people. Some use other people to judge who you are. “Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are?” my foot!

I was told by one lady that you can tell the character of a man from his shoes. Ok. I agree. The other day, at one event, one lady slumped and in the process tipped over the table she was sitting at. One of the men, who was putting on this beautiful black Gucci shoes, jumped up and asked an usher to quickly find him another table. Another man who was at another table jumped up and gave her CPR. He was wearing sandals! Character ko… karakita ni.


Seriously now, where did the warning never look inside a woman’s bag start from? What were the factors considered before this kind of Magna Carta was passed into law? During the terrorist wahala, why did you women demand this exclusive right at the screening point of international airports? JFK and HEATHROW. And let us see who would have been telling the police where to find Osama bin Hiding!

Have you sat down at anytime to ask how much this bags cost? I used to think handbags were handbags until I went into Selfridges with my wife and she picked a Chanel handbag that cost almost 2000 pounds! Can you imagine a woman carrying a brand new car as a hand luggage? I can. Now when she gets home and just drops her bags carelessly… I pick them up for safe keeping. At those cost the bags needs caddie.

The names of these bags are becoming ridiculous. Fendi has one called B.Bag, YSL has “Muse”, Ralph Laurent produces that beautiful “Ricky” while Hermes makes “Birkin”. Let me tell you something about this “Birkin”. Don’t ever brag about buying one for your spouse if you don’t have an oil well. I was asking my wife, over the phone, what I should get for her on one of my trips since I was rounding up my shopping. She said don’t worry just come back. I said no. Ok let me buy you a bag. She said ok. And added if you see the HERMES “Birkin” in any colour other than the red colour buy one for me. Armed with my MasterCard, Visa and Diners cards I entered a shop. I should have known there was something amiss when they brought me a chair and a glass of cold fresh juice.

They had all the colours my wife liked. At this point, I would like you readers to please Google the bag in question and tell me what you think I told my wife. Have you checked? Did you see the price? Don’t you think it is armed robbery? Sorry bag robbery? Anyway now that you know the price, I bet you now know why they did not have the red one talk less of all the other colours my wife likes. And as long as God is God they will not have it. I will have the means to buy it in Jesus Name, amen! but they will not have my wife’s colour. Maybe till they find the killers of Dele Giwa and Bola Ige.

It’s a fact that when you see a lady’s bag, you can immediately tell her class. Some of these bags you see around maybe replicas, but once you see a lady of class carrying it, replica is the last thing on your mind. Especially if she now matched the bag with, pearls or diamonds. Which from information reaching me could be replica too. Where can I find HERMES “Birkin” replica? Send contacts to my mailbox. I WANT ALL THE COLOURS.

Whats is in a bag sef? Why are they so expen$ive? Yet women would not want us to see what is inside. How come they (you know who) can go through our phones, read our text messages, delete coded contacts and yet make all the noise as if there is a shrine inside the bag anytime a man peeps shin shinrin like this? But u why?

On a firm note though, what is good for the goose is good for the gander, abi? So in the same token, never go through a man’s mobile phone. Never! Because if you do me I do you, God no go vex.

I got so curious once upon a time, ( this is the point where I backdate this story so my wife doesn’t start asking who the lady in question is) this was sometime in 1993, (far and safe enough, I guess…) No I actually think it was in the late 80s, I was dating this lady who was working at Standard Trust Bank then, (oops, that bank is recent) Or was it Owena Bank. I think its Owena. Yes its Owena Bank. Final answer. Who wants to be a divorcee? Anyway, back to my gist, I took it upon myself to go through her handbag. I was ready to go blind. After all, how many musicians slash producers are as good as my friend Cobhams Asuquo. He cant see. But he is so talented. I know one person will read this to him so Im not going to write anything bad. Cobhams no worry, we go see later. Hahaha!

The content of this lady’s bag spoke volumes. I felt like working for the forensic Department of any law enforcement agency. In fact if I had continued with the skills I discovered on that day, that I had, by now, I would be the one interrogating that goat that the Kwara State Police Command arrested, I would even be able to tell you who the next of kin of that goat was. Bloody goat! Because Obama CAN! Goats too don’t wan t to be left out, Goatbama, you are going straight to jail. Don’t pass Go.

Im sorry, but by now you already know that I like digressing. Its in my nature. Live with it.

The content of the bags that ladies carry these days includes amongst other things…

The never leave home without it rule from mama says, always carry transport money. Some even go with money to pay for their meals. Don’t raise eyebrows as if you have not seen cases where the guy disappears into thin air leaving the girl to pay for her food and his? This is some times called vex money. Should in case of the unforeseen. Be prepared. So that money comes in handy.

Toothpicks. These are obviously stolen from a chanced lunch at Eko Hotel. Why ladies do this still beats me. They become Kleptomaniacs once they see those imported plastic toothpicks with a floss at the end of it. Then they will proudly extend it to you at another restaurant when you are at lunch with them, as if to show you that they are not used to the wooden type. That’s so razz. She has minimum toothpick standards, albeit stolen.

Lipstick. Every lady, needs to replenish the one that she would have either licked off herself or by mouth to mouth resuscitation or the type the rub off on other men’s shirt by accident or just to give him something to start a conversation with when he gets home. The lipstick is not a stand alone. Naaah! It is usually accompanied with a Mary Kay make-up mirror with pan-cake inside. If she is very high class, she will go use the bathroom and come back looking finer than she was when you went to pick her up. Some will pan cake the face right there! If you like die.

Nail file/cuter (as if her nails will suddenly suddenly begin to grow if they were not kept in check). This could also be used to pre occupy yourself when you don’t want to talk to him. If he continues to bother you you just say cant you see that I am busy?

Tampon, its safe to carry one, if you are irregular I am told. But there was this one time that one lady was so drunk she brought it out and gave to a guy who wanted a stick of cigarette. He too was drunk. He lit it. Investigations have also come to show that these tampons can come in handy when you want to convince “randy sugar dadies” that its not on because you are on. “oya see … see… why would I lie to you?” Sule!

I don’t need to mention that a fresh set of g-strings may not be out of place. But these days with the size of bags ladies carry, you can add, a camisole, bobby holder, girdle, face towel, hair net, shampoo, comb, dryer, phone charger, wet wipes, toothbrush, paste, hair band, and so on and so forth.

Tissue paper is a regular in these ladies hand bags nowadays. Can you imagine going to the little room, doing your thing and there is nothing to tidy up with? I am talking of number one. What if it is number two? God forbid. I have seen ladies caught up in this situation call their friends in the event venue to grab as many serviettes as they can and come to the ladies.

Complimentary cards. It always used to set me wondering why ladies would have those bulk of cards held together with a rubber band like bank notes. But with hindsight I can now see that those cards were their sure bankers. ATM if you may. I have even seen where a lady was given a card to pass on to her friend, she passed on the number and held on to the card as if it’s a cheque stub. Ladies have been known to shuffle through their friends bags and stolen called cards. Card robbery should be a crime. No one should benefit from a ladies hard earned sweat for free.

A diary was one indispensable. Some were used to store phone numbers of ATMs and some were for keeping records of would be baby fathers… cause you never know when you might be asked by the family doctor  “who is the man responsible for…?” You know the rest.

A lighter was in the corner of the bag, right next door to a packet of St Moritz, with 2 sticks remaining in the un-foiled right side. Some ladies I have been told don’t use lighters, they use the 3 crowns match sticks. Nome don’t even smoke anything saintly… what they smoke doesn’t come in packets. Those smokes that make Fela’s music sound like church hymns. The heavy smokers have some mouth fresheners, the type that is so flat it disappears as soon as it touches your tongue faster than federal allocations to some governors, others do with buttermint or trebor or pectol or tom tom.

You may once in a while find a three hundred and sixty something page novel that is beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing read. For say 3 weeks now since she borrowed it from a friend. A Gideon’s bible manages to fit into some bags. Nearer my Lord to Thee Nearer to Thee… everyway and everywhere

Rough Rider condoms. Now here is where you have to pardon me. I am for safe sex, don’t get me wrong, but when you see a pack of 6 condoms in a lady’s bag, with 5 of them gone, it is usually not with the same kind of mindset that you have when you see some 15 missing chewing gums in a pack of  20! Especially when you were not part of the consumption.

You guys really have to pardon me o. because it just makes nonsense of that song by Neto-C, e no mean say the girl n’ashewo! Same thing goes for a man. Which reminds me of my guy who was off to Abuja for an important “meeting” and just before he left the room the wife joking puts a pack of condoms in his travel bag. He feigned anger but traveled anyway. He ran through the pack of 2 like a hurricane fire. Then on his way home stopped over and bought replacement packs. I was surprised like him to know that those useless rubber  come with serial numbers. The replacement didn’t match madam’s records

There was a small bottle in the bag that had several drugs of different shapes, colours and sizes. I recognized the paracetamol and the tetracycline . The others could for all sense and purpose be for deleting purposes. I know of ladies who because they don’t want the man they are with to try anything funny while they are sleeping, make sure he gets a healthy dose of tranquilizing sleeping pills. When he wakes up it is already 8 am and time to run along. Some ladies even tease him, “ Chief, you were something else last night, haba!” The mumu chief will start smiling, “I told you I am bad” Meanwhile she was referring to his 100 KVA snoring and passing it off like he did something. Oh there was a case of a guy who had a headache And while the wife was out went through her bag and picked something that had a suffix -dol, he took it. It was when the wife returned that it dawned on him that he has just preempted menstrual pains.

Once upon a bag, that fell as a lady was trying to jump into a moving danfo, in Lagos, during one of those fuel scarcity, many years ago, when Rilwan Lukman was Minister of(selfish) Petroleum and for(selfless) Petroleum, oops he is even back, from ministerial sabbatical, once upon that bag, as the content spilled and sprawled on the road, I took inventory, groundnuts, roasted plantain, plantain chips, nail polish, company ID card, mills and boons, some naira notes, a wig, half chewed chewing stick, the Yoruba type that lathers as you use it, a nokia 3310 held together with a combination of red, blue, green and yellow rubber band and a bunch of keys amongst other things…

For God sake, how much can a bag take?