One Lagos Fiesta

One Lagos Fiesta

Thursday, 14 June 2012


Many times as a kid, I can clearly remember, the extent to which my sisters went to get their hair done. These were the days of using rubber thread to plait hair, glatt perming, gel, ( What's that one that the Christ Embassy guy uses again)

There used to be a Ghanaian who came around with different shapes and sizes of iron combs to heat their native hairs into submission. There were times when all did not go as planned and the comb will catch my sisters' skins and they will scream abuses at the stylist, which was what the Ghanaians preferred to be called, but after all that shout, they would sit through the barbecue still. Thank God for relaxers. Maybe it's the ordeal of that hot comb that made my sisters carry their hair for so long till they had under growth. Now, the undergrowth was not a problem. What used to annoy me was that slapping and scratching of the hair. I was not too comfortable with it because it may be lice for all I know.

Anyway that was back then in the early 80s. What is he excuse ladies have these days for keeping hair for so long? Are you waiting for amnesty? You have money for BIS but to retouch or is it retorch (maybe the word is derived from when those Ghanians used to use stove and hot comb to torch the hair)? Had to ask one lady, if your husband hits you half as hard as you hit your head now wouldn't you call it domestic violence? Stop punishing yourself. Its not pregnancy. Go retouch, retorch, whatever.... Go to YABA. AUNTY you want to do your hair?  AUNTY you want to do your hair? Oops! It's Denrele!

While on this issue of hair, was that Goldie in BBA? Puuuuuulizzz don't ever remove your hair again. We love you haired. You erred to have removed it. Because when I saw it, I was like, thank God I love her naturally. No wonder Brazilian hair is that expensive. Some women will just die if you ask them to wear a low cut. The other day I saw a widow who was made to cut her hair after her husband's burial. At first I thought it was Reuben ABATI in a dress. Anyway, sorry I digressed. Please if the attachment makes you more beautiful... Get your hook on.

It would be grossly unfair if I do not talk about men who let the hair on their chest hang out like a badly skinned ileya ram. The ladies that tell such men they are attracted to the hair showing through their unbuttoned shirts are just being polite. What they really want to say is, "You are my goat." Button up your shirt! You look like a cheap article Persian rug. But then again, leave it open. Wetin consign agbero with overload. Whatever rocks your boat.

Talking of whatever rocks your boat, I even heard that not having hair, aka, bald, aka, gorimapa... Is considered sexy by some ladies. REALLY? Bald headed guys make me think of Christmas Carols... NO HAIR! NO HAIR!  NO HAIR! NO HAIR!  CHRIST IS THE KIIIIIIIIIIING OF IIIIISRAEL...  Can there be a law that says ones a portion of your hair is gone let the rest go? Can we occupy for that? Because guys who 70-80% of their hair is naturally AWOL, who, instead of extending the natural desertification to the rest of the head, keep carrying around the rest like they want some sympathy. Unless you are ROONEY, grow some or grow up... Sorry, own up.

That then leads me to football. I like the watching football. Can't say The same when i see that  hairstyle that looks like "Nepa took light" before the barber could finish his work. Is it mohog or kilonpe? Then bad as it is, some will go add insult into injury and go colour it. Did they not get the memo, I would rather sag. Come to think of it, mohog would not be bad on Rooney. He can afford it.

Now seriously, why do people keep armpit hair? Especially that type that had not been shaven since the last time the owner had a boil and the doctor told the nurses to use a lawnmower just so he can reach it. Much as no one wants to see armpit hair, ( I am not going to even count those perverts who get turned on by it as "people") if you must keep it, why not tend it? Why leave it till it looks like its a mustard farm? I see some drivers of some big men whose drivers wear a neat tie on a spotless sparkling white shirt... Well not until they stretch their hand to give you a message from Oga, then you see the yellow patch under his sleeves. Yellow patch! Are you an MTN ambassador?

There is this other one i have no problem with, Nasal hair. You can grow a forest in there for all I care. But when the hair starts branching out like a missionary, oh puuuulizzz! Is your breath so bad the hair wants fresh air? Trim it for GOD'S sake with a nail cutter. Yes. Nasal hair should not be treated with kid gloves. Some nasal hair need a chain saw. Especially those experienced ones that have gone grey. They, ( nasal bear bear) are up to no good. They retire inside the nostrils when you are home and show up for appointments like they were invited too when you go out. Other kinds of hair that have given me cause for concern are those that grow out of people's ears, on knuckles, toes,  and those that grow of faces, necks and toes (if you are a woman) take care of them. The effort shows you care what people think. But I will not bring it up unless you push me to. Like the 2 ladies and their bobo who wanted to use me to catch groove at Silverbird. 

I had had a meal at Jevnnik ( where they serve everyone like we are all Sumo wrestlers) rinsed my mouth and dashed to Silverbird for a movie. Obviously, I didnt rinse well enough. So the threesome saw me and saw that one leaf on my teeth. "Ali Baba, this one that you have vegetable on your teeth what have you been eating?" While the girls, who were hanging on him like cheap cufflinks were lapping it up I quickly caught the sight of a thread on his beard. So I replied, "This one that you have grey hair hanging around your mouth who have you been eating?"


  1. AliBaba you wee not kee somborri o! Hahahahaha. 'No hair no hair no hair no haaaiiir' that line almost snapped my ribs. I'm so loving this blog. Keep the fire burning Sir.

  2. "Can there be a law that says ones a portion of your hair is gone let the rest go? Can we occupy for that? Because guys who 70-80% of their hair is naturally AWOL, who, instead of extending the natural desertification to the rest of the head, keep carrying around the rest like they want some sympathy.".... lmao..

    Or when our brothers from the west attempt combing part of watz left over the bald section n "sleeking it with gel"..

  3. I give up ...... Ur case don pass becareful
    who have you bn eating

  4. Roflmao.. Lwkmd.. Lmaoooooo.. Oh God! Alibaba u ave killed me dis early morning o. I've woken everyone in my house up o.. And I'm still laffing hysterically. Oh my God.. Lafta don kill me o.. Choi. Jeez, I ave to give it to u o. Yuwa d king of comedy. I've actually got freaking tears in my eyes mehn. Abeg make I reduce my lafta. My sis is giving me serious dagger eyes. Now I'm scared of opening d 2nd one o.. Lmaoooo. Ali Baba u no go kill somebody. YEe, my mama dey come o..

  5. Chapter 2

    1) So the king assembled the people and said unto them; a measure of oil shall no longer be seven scores of silver and one, but shall now be four scores of silver, one dozen and five, to this your leaders have agreed. Praise me now therefore for I am a benevolent king.

    2) And after all these, the Loudspeaker of the House of People said, let us inquire into the king’s claim that there be no money in the royal treasury. So they appointed Farcrook, son of Lawal.

    3) And said unto him, gather ye now all the oil sellers, that we may know who stole from the kingdom. This did him with diligence, and came back with his report saying

    4) Thieves abound in the land, and so have the oil sellers stole from the people, and gave them not oil, this they did with the help of Aliyaro the king’s mistress; and the amount he mentioned was unheard of in the land.

    5) When the people heard this, they were dismayed, and sorrow gripped their hearts.

    6) But the oil sellers went in unto the king in his chamber, and said; rememberest thou O king that the what we stole did we make available to thy campaign, and by thus did we make you king.

    7) If thou deliver us unto the people that they may punish us, we will hold not our tongue to tell the people that thou art one of us.

    8) And they said unto him, how else shall we destroy the message if not to destroy the messenger? Let us therefore implicate Farcrook the son of Lawal in this matter.

    9) So they sent a certain rich man from the West by the name Otedollar, and he took Farcrook into his house and gave him some money, that he may alter the report which he had set before the people.

    10) And it was that Otedollar went before an assembly of the people and said unto them, trust ye this man who said we stole from the treasury? Surely he is one of us, for he came unto me in the middle of the night, and he left with his pockets full of money.

    End of Chapter 2

  6. Chapter 3

    1) And the people where amazed, and their hearts bled, for Farcrook was a man in whom they had put their trust.

    2) So Farcrook arose, and said; Otedollar is my briber, I did not request. He maketh me to sit down in his Maitama house; he leadeth me beside the chilled champagne.

    3) He exploited my greed; he leadeth me in the path of marked dollars for subsidy’s sake.

    4) Yea, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of EFCC, I will fear no arrest: for bribes are with me; my loots and my kickbacks they comfort me.

    5) Thou preparest the dollars before me, in the presence of the SSS: thou anointest my mouth with wine; my pocket runneth over.

    6) Surely the shame and reproach shall follow me all the days of my life, but I will dwell in the house of PDP forever and ever.

    7) And the people wept, but there was no one to console them.

  7. Hahahhaha my legs failed me after I read " REALLY? Bald headed guys make me think of Christmas Carols... NO HAIR! NO HAIR! NO HAIR! NO HAIR! CHRIST IS THE KIIIIIIIIIIING OF IIIIISRAEL... " Chai! If to say I dey read this thing for public na so I for take embarass myself for there... Choi!

    Number one comedian for a reason, nobody fit do am like you jare.... "oops that was Denrele"

  8. Lol. Funniest piece I've read in ages. Ali baba will always be my best.

  9. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA alibaba you no try at all oh, nasal hairs and chain saw huh?????????? lmaooooo

  10. Really enjoyed this....Funny yet true but trim nasal hair with a nail cutter?